You can't fail

If you are good at nothing, at least people can't say you failed at something.

Six feet under

A prolonged bad economy has now even put the grave diggers six feet under.

Best college

The best college to go to is one where you can actually pass the classes.

Old and bills

Having a lot of bills if you are old keeps you good at math by writing out checks all the time.

The best art

If you don't understand art, don't worry, because the best art is the paintings that you would think are not art.

Bad at math

It is best if you are not good at math, this way you won't realize that it is impossible to save $1 million dollars in your life.

Antique furniture

If your furniture is old and can't afford newer furniture, just say you like collecting antique furniture.

Dumb down

Computers were invented to make us all feel a little dumber than we already are.

The smartest teachers

The smartest teachers in college are the ones who teach subjects you can't understand.

Expensive IQ test

College is the most expensive and longest IQ test you will ever take.

Older fashions are in

If you have no money for new clothes all the time, just wear your old clothes from 20 years ago and tell people the older fashions are now in.

Don't look good

If you don't look as good as you like to, just go out in public and look at other people, you will feel better.

Height fear

If you are afraid of heights, don't worry, at least you will never be stuck in a roller coaster upside down.

Halloween teeth

Having bad teeth is great for Halloween because you will save money on not having to make your teeth look scary.

Pay to be scared

Why pay to be scared on a roller coaster when you can turn on the news and be scared for free?

Escape reality

What is the best job to escape reality? Acting, because every day is a new adventure and life.

Don't look up to me

If you don't want anybody looking up to you in life, just stay short and poor.

Can't lose much

The best thing about not being rich is that you can't lose very much since you already have nothing.

Power of the remote

People use the TV remote so much because that is as close as they will get to feel like they are in command of the Enterprise.

Chess

Chess is the civil way of destroying someone.

Age and sitting down

You know you are getting older when sitting down and getting up on the toilet seat is a workout.

Monopoly riches

Monopoly is as close to getting rich as 99.9% of us will ever get.

Can't remember age

You are aging when you can't remember how old you are without thinking about it first.

Birthday candles and age

You are getting older when blowing out birthday cake candles feels like running a marathon.

Age and birthday candles

You know you are getting older when the birthday number candles don't go up as high as your age.

Hard tax code

The tax code is hard to understand, because if it were easy, everyone would be taking all deductions.

College fund

A college fund is great to start, until you realize you can't save enough money for even the cheapest colleges.

Great art

The best people to show your paintings to are people who know nothing about art, because they will believe anything you show them is art.

Airline food

Airline food does not have to taste great, because where are you going to go to get other food up there?

Bad memory

If you have a bad memory and a bad life, at least you'll remember as little of it as you can.

Contact lenses

Contact lenses were invented so people would stop saying you wear glasses all the time.

Exercise and golf

Don't worry if you are a terrible golfer, just think of all the exercise you will get finding the lost balls in the trees.

Answering machines

Why do all the pre-recorded messages that come with answering machines all sound like the same guy?

Actors

If you date an actor, how do know if they are ever lying about something? They are an actor.

Age and camels

Don't worry if you slow down with age, just look at how camels move and you'll feel better.

Curious people

The phone company knows people are curious in life, so why not make money off it by inventing Caller Id?

Be a clown

If people always laugh at you, get paid for it by becoming a circus clown.

No time for pets

Get a pet according to your lifestyle. For 99% of us, that means a pet that can do most everything on its own.

Barbecue expert

The more smoke you make when cooking on the barbecue, the more people around you will actually think you know how to cook.

Cafeteria food

The reason why cafeteria food does not taste good is because they know you didn't bring lunch and have no choice but to eat what they have.

High school reunions

If you are older and out of shape when going to a high school reunion, don't worry, someone there always looks far worse than you look.

Roller coaster highs

The small roller coasters are a good test to see if someone is afraid of heights. The biggest ones test if they are crazy.

Still thrilled about coffee

How can people still be excited about having coffee in the morning? Doesn't the thrill wear off after 30 years?

Can't sing

Don't worry if you can't sing, because there are loads of other jobs. Unfortunately 99% of them all pay less.

The return envelope

If you get mail that comes with a return envelope, you know you owe something, and usually it is money.

The oldest computer

You can tell easy if someone's computer is old by seeing if their O/S came out 10 years ago.

Age and wisdom

Wisdom comes with old age, but I rather be younger and less smart.

Move that furniture

Don't worry if your furniture is old, at least it will be cheaper to move if you ever sell your house, since all you have to do is throw the furniture out.

The best TV

Finding the best TV set is easy. The best TV sets are the ones that are never on sale.

Expensive graves

Why should I spend a fortune on a grave? It is not like I will live to enjoy it anyway.

The best chair

You can tell the best and most expensive chair in someone's house easily. It is the one you are never offered to sit on.

Future clothes sizes

The largest size clothes are always in the store because they are preparing for what will soon be the future norm.

Bills on Monday

The best day to get bills in the mail is on Monday. It forces you to work hard all week after you find out how much you owe.

The best exercise

The best exercise is one that you can actually do long enough to get a benefit from.

The best gamer

Just play the game you are the best at all the time with other people. Then nobody will know you can't win at anything else.

The most exercise

The most exercise some people get is when they put new batteries in the TV remote.

Least dangerous animal

The least dangerous animal is the one that doesn't know you are there.

The best pet

The best pet is the one that can do as much as it can on its own.

Fame and teeth

The best thing about not being famous is that you can stay with bad teeth like everyone else.

A lifetime thrill

If you love thrills in life, try getting rich. It is a thrill that will last a lifetime.

Halloween and age

If you already have gray hair, at least you don't have to spend money dressing up as an old man on Halloween.

An expert at cooking

Don't worry if you are single, because you will become an expert at microwave cooking.

Singles and food

It is easy to tell the single people in a supermarket because they are the ones with 10 frozen dinners in their wagon.

Getting out of bed

You know you are getting older when getting out of bed in the morning takes a few minutes longer than getting into bed.

Remember to tie a tie

The guy that forgot how to tie a tie is wearing the button ties at 50 yrs old.

Never win

If you have bad luck with money, at least you don't have to waste a fortune on any lottery tickets, since you won't win.

Crazy game handles

Why do people make bizarre game handles for online games? Why would you want everyone to know that you really ARE crazy?

Wake me up

Coffee was invented because nobody can wake up in the morning.

The biggest shopping

Beware of people food shopping with full wagons and are moving slow, because these are the people that go shopping once a month and have $400 of food to ring up.

How can dogs be smarter

How can dogs be smarter than horses? What smart animal would lay on dirty floors, lick strangers, and drink from toilet water?

Not that egg carton

The best eggs are in the cartons that are not half open and dripping egg yokes from the sides.

Funeral weather

The worst timing you can have for a funeral is on a bright sunny summer day when everyone outside is happy.

Relax before the stress

They play slow music when you call customer service to try to relax people before the angry calls come.

I can wear more hat sizes now

One advantage of going bald is that you can now also wear the smaller hats.

I don't spell the words wrong

I don't spell the bigger words wrong, I just abbreviate everything.

Work forever

What do you want to do in life? You mean how would you like to waste over 100,000 hours of your life.

Saving helps

Saving and cutting back on things helps they say. Now where do you get the other 99% of the money for the bills you need?

SSN number and age

You know you are getting older when your SSN is as hard to remember as an online password is.

Save on shampoo

Don't worry about going bald, because you will save a fortune on shampoo.

Gray hair

Some gray hair is a sign of wisdom. All gray hair means the end of your dating life.

Sit near the calm people

Sit near the calm people in computer class. People who know nothing about a computer are always the nervous ones.

Don't break your skull

They always tell you to be careful because you don't want to break your skull on the ice. Don't I already know that breaking my skull would not be good thing for me?

Ice in the cemetery

The only good thing about slipping on the ice in the winter in a cemetery is that it is convenient for the grave diggers.

Don't be nervous

Don't be nervous they say when taking a driving test. Only your entire life depends on being able to drive though.

How can I not get my licence

How can I not get my drivers licence? If 100 year old people are driving, how can I be turned down?

Someone is always older

Don't worry if you are getting old, because someone is always older than you are.

Floor is not leveled

You didn't gain weight on the scale, the floor is just not level.

No best diet

There is no best diet because the best one is always the latest fad that is in.

Why measure your IQ

Why worry if you are smart? Chances are most people you talk to in life will be far less smarter than you are anyway.

Nothing is left

It is easier to check your bank statements now, since chances are you don't have much money in the bank left.

Save those dollars

Saving $1 a week in a bank helps. Now how do you live 500 years so you actually have something significant?

You'll live with bad teeth

You'll live with bad teeth, you will just go broke and dateless fixing them.

Easy choosing foods that are good

How do you live a longer life? Eat the foods that taste bad. Those are usually the best foods for your health.

The food taste good but...

Why did it happen this way that all the foods that taste so good kill you off early in life if you eat too much of them?

Sit near the front in computer class

Sit near the front of the class if you need help. The people who know it all are not afraid to sit near the teacher.

Make computer classes easier

Just sit near someone who looks like they never leave their house. They probably know more than you about computers.

Going bald and saving money

Why feel sorry for someone going bald? They are saving a fortune on haircuts each year.

It is only a bad memory

Blame a bad score on your written driving test on a bad memory rather than stupidity.

You can cook

You can tell people you can cook by just tell them you can make anything in the microwave oven.

Sit near the guy with the taped glasses

Sit near the guy with the taped glasses in computer class. He probably knows the most.

Someone is always worse

The good thing about chess is that no matter how bad you play, someone is always a worse player than you are.

If they are so smart...

If high IQ people are so smart, how come they can't solve any of the world's problems?

Come home

The only good thing about leaving for work is that you will come home at the end of the day.

Plastic riches

When will plastic finally be worth a lot? All the plastic bags you get when food shopping would make us all millionaires.

He can't solve his own problems

Why do people think a new president can solve all of our problems when he can't even solve his own?

Harder than ever deciding on a career

It is harder than ever picking a new career because now you have to worry if any companies will still be IN business to hire you.

It is easy to find a job

It is just as easy now to find a job as it was before the bad economy. All you have to do is search for the jobs that nobody wants.

The stock market will recover

The stock market will recover, but the only problem now is if you will live long enough to see it happen.

Why check your stocks

Why check your stocks every day still in this economy? The chances are the company is not in business any longer.