Bookkeepers

I only need a bookkeeper for keeping my reading books, not for money.

Bus fare

Is any bus fare actually fair?

Close the sale

Don't close the sale. I want it to last so I can get things cheap.

It's your funeral

Actually it isn't, since most likely you are not paying for it.

Grant

The only grant I ever qualified for was from my own bank account.

Easy generosity

Did you notice it is much easier to be generous when you actually have money?

If I were a billionaire

If I were a billionaire, I would know I am in my second life. It sure isn't happening in this one.

I'm so poor

I'm so poor, I had to take out a loan to pay an overdue loan.

I'm thankful for...

I'm thankful for not being even more poorer than I already am.

Investing strategy

The best investing strategy today is not to invest in anything.

The best opportunity

The best opportunity in life comes to those who inherit millions of dollars.

Double negative

The only double negative I know is my savings account balance.

Small mistakes

Everything is a small mistake in life unless it involves money. Then you will probably go bankrupt.

Things I can't afford

I made my list shorter by just listing the things I CAN afford.

Retire rich

It is easy to retire rich. Just move to a country where nobody has any money and you will be rich.

Misers

I will never be called a miser, since I had nothing to give away to start with.

Allowances

The only allowance I know is to make an allowance for someone; not the money allowance.

Biggest accident

The biggest accident I had in life was not getting rich.

Collateral

If you have no collateral to offer to someone, buy a lottery ticket for them. The chance to win hundreds of millions has to worth something right?

Broke government

The government is so broke, even they have to borrow money from the banks.