Circulatory test

My circulatory test showed that I am moving in slow motion.

Basic food groups

For some reason, some people never got the memo that there are other food groups besides the ones that fats and sugars are in.

Heimlich maneuver

Never mind perform it. Nobody even knows how to spell it.

Long hospital forms

Hospital forms are a mile long in order to test your craziness level before they admit you.

After surgery

After surgery... just hope you live.

Annual physical

I don't need a physical each year because I'm in the same bad shape I was in last year.

Stomach fat

The excess stomach fat is there in case you live other lives beyond this one. It will help you on your journey.

Get well soon

Get well soon in case I get sick and you have to take care of me.

I am fit

If you can get out of bed in the morning without a struggle, you are ahead of most people today.

Expensive doctors

The good doctors are the expensive doctors. So I guess they are all good.

Mad cow disease

How can there be a mad cow disease but no mad human disease?

Five ways to live until 100

Living to 100 is easy.

1) Eat the foods that taste the worst, because they are most healthy.
2) Do the exercises that nobody can do.
3) Stop eating all the foods that taste good and everyone loves.
4) Throw the TV and computer out.
5) Live your entire life seeing doctors.

Physically fit

Everyone is physically fit if we stand next to someone who is out of shape.

Disease free

People who don't cover their mouth while sneezing or coughing, I guess are disease free.

Living large

Today, living large does not mean money, it just means you are overweight.

Nutritious eating

Nutritious eating is possible? Did you ever see the ingredients in foods?

Break a rib

If you break a rib, don't worry, because there are plenty more of them.

Cures

If bug spray generally does not work, then how do you expect anyone to cure diseases?

Transplants

Waiting for a transplant is like waiting to win the lottery. You are doomed from the start.

Back pain

If our backs never hurt, we wouldn't have a great excuse to take a rest all the time.