Five ways to get popular today with a music performance

Sure ways to get popular today with a music performance.

1) Wear as little clothing as possible.
2) Use a lot of props so people forget your lack of talent.
3) Do sexy moves to distract people from the singing.
4) Dress older than you really are so older people will watch.
5) Act like you really ARE good.

Five things you don't want to hear on a plane

You probably could do without hearing these from the captain when on a plane.

1) Fasten your seat belts... just in case.
2) Don't worry, the turbulence will end in a half hour.
3) All the drinks I am having are free for you also.
4) We are going over the Atlantic Ocean now.
5) Don't stuff the bathroom up, it can flood.

Five signs you're no longer in college

You are no longer in college if these happen.

1) You are finally broke after years of schooling.
2) You forgot what a fast food drive-thru is.
3) The only parties are the ones with family for your birthday.
4) You now call college students "kids".
5) Grocery list are now a mile long, since you are now doing a family shopping.

Five ways to tell you are getting older

You know you are getting older if these happen.

1) You take five hour naps.
2) You don't know what year it is.
3) You wait for the next SS raise.
4) You estimate how many more years of life you have.
5) You ask someone to check on you each day to see if you are still alive.

Five ways to tell a good restaurant

You know you are in a good restaurant if these do not happen.

1) The cooks all leave for their lunch.
2) Less than one person is sitting inside eating.
3) Discounts signs are up for lunch meals.
4) Take credit for meals.
5) Call you to remind you to come again.

Five fun ways not to win millions

Fun ways to try to get to a million dollars that never work.

1) Play the lottery.
2) Play the horses.
3) Play slots in the casinos.
4) Invest in stocks.
5) Buying and selling houses.

Five pictures of you nobody wants to see online

Nobody really needs to see these pictures of yourself. Even more so if you are famous.

1) Nude pictures above the waist.
2) Nude pictures below the waist.
3) Old bodies that you think look young.
4) How you looked 40 years ago.
5) Flabby bodies.

Five things not to say before marriage

These are probably not best said before marriage.

1) Let's hope this works out.
2) I like to spend time with myself a lot.
3) I play video games.
4) I watch cartoons often.
5) I don't have much money.

Five things not to say on job interview

Don't ever tell them these things on the interview.

1) I need a nap in the afternoon to function.
2) I need Fridays off on most weeks for a three day weekend.
3) I use the full amount of sick days I am allowed.
4) I expect a raise, even if I don't do the job well.
5) Can I advance enough to take your job over?

Five ways to safe driving

Safe driving is easy if you avoid these.

1) Anyone that puts their hands or feet out the window while driving.
2) Anyone driving over the middle line on the road as if the line is not there.
3) Anyone driving 30 mph over the speed limit or more.
4) Anyone that looks like they lived two lifetimes already.
5) People who drive while looking to the right and talking to the passenger in the front seat are best avoided.

Five ways to live until 100

Living to 100 is easy.

1) Eat the foods that taste the worst, because they are most healthy.
2) Do the exercises that nobody can do.
3) Stop eating all the foods that taste good and everyone loves.
4) Throw the TV and computer out.
5) Live your entire life seeing doctors.

Five ways to find a job

A job is easy to find if you follow these rules.

1) Look for the jobs nobody wants to do.
2) Look for the lowest paying jobs.
3) Look for the jobs that don't pay overtime.
4) Look for the jobs that have no benefits.
5) Look for the dead end jobs that have no advancement.