Wake me up

Coffee was invented because nobody can wake up in the morning.

The biggest shopping

Beware of people food shopping with full wagons and are moving slow, because these are the people that go shopping once a month and have $400 of food to ring up.

How can dogs be smarter

How can dogs be smarter than horses? What smart animal would lay on dirty floors, lick strangers, and drink from toilet water?

Not that egg carton

The best eggs are in the cartons that are not half open and dripping egg yokes from the sides.

Funeral weather

The worst timing you can have for a funeral is on a bright sunny summer day when everyone outside is happy.

Relax before the stress

They play slow music when you call customer service to try to relax people before the angry calls come.

I can wear more hat sizes now

One advantage of going bald is that you can now also wear the smaller hats.

I don't spell the words wrong

I don't spell the bigger words wrong, I just abbreviate everything.

Work forever

What do you want to do in life? You mean how would you like to waste over 100,000 hours of your life.

Saving helps

Saving and cutting back on things helps they say. Now where do you get the other 99% of the money for the bills you need?

SSN number and age

You know you are getting older when your SSN is as hard to remember as an online password is.

Save on shampoo

Don't worry about going bald, because you will save a fortune on shampoo.

Gray hair

Some gray hair is a sign of wisdom. All gray hair means the end of your dating life.

Sit near the calm people

Sit near the calm people in computer class. People who know nothing about a computer are always the nervous ones.

Don't break your skull

They always tell you to be careful because you don't want to break your skull on the ice. Don't I already know that breaking my skull would not be good thing for me?

Ice in the cemetery

The only good thing about slipping on the ice in the winter in a cemetery is that it is convenient for the grave diggers.

Don't be nervous

Don't be nervous they say when taking a driving test. Only your entire life depends on being able to drive though.

How can I not get my licence

How can I not get my drivers licence? If 100 year old people are driving, how can I be turned down?

Someone is always older

Don't worry if you are getting old, because someone is always older than you are.

Floor is not leveled

You didn't gain weight on the scale, the floor is just not level.

No best diet

There is no best diet because the best one is always the latest fad that is in.

Why measure your IQ

Why worry if you are smart? Chances are most people you talk to in life will be far less smarter than you are anyway.

Nothing is left

It is easier to check your bank statements now, since chances are you don't have much money in the bank left.

Save those dollars

Saving $1 a week in a bank helps. Now how do you live 500 years so you actually have something significant?

You'll live with bad teeth

You'll live with bad teeth, you will just go broke and dateless fixing them.

Easy choosing foods that are good

How do you live a longer life? Eat the foods that taste bad. Those are usually the best foods for your health.

The food taste good but...

Why did it happen this way that all the foods that taste so good kill you off early in life if you eat too much of them?

Sit near the front in computer class

Sit near the front of the class if you need help. The people who know it all are not afraid to sit near the teacher.

Make computer classes easier

Just sit near someone who looks like they never leave their house. They probably know more than you about computers.

Going bald and saving money

Why feel sorry for someone going bald? They are saving a fortune on haircuts each year.

It is only a bad memory

Blame a bad score on your written driving test on a bad memory rather than stupidity.

You can cook

You can tell people you can cook by just tell them you can make anything in the microwave oven.

Sit near the guy with the taped glasses

Sit near the guy with the taped glasses in computer class. He probably knows the most.

Someone is always worse

The good thing about chess is that no matter how bad you play, someone is always a worse player than you are.

If they are so smart...

If high IQ people are so smart, how come they can't solve any of the world's problems?

Come home

The only good thing about leaving for work is that you will come home at the end of the day.

Plastic riches

When will plastic finally be worth a lot? All the plastic bags you get when food shopping would make us all millionaires.

He can't solve his own problems

Why do people think a new president can solve all of our problems when he can't even solve his own?

Harder than ever deciding on a career

It is harder than ever picking a new career because now you have to worry if any companies will still be IN business to hire you.

It is easy to find a job

It is just as easy now to find a job as it was before the bad economy. All you have to do is search for the jobs that nobody wants.

The stock market will recover

The stock market will recover, but the only problem now is if you will live long enough to see it happen.

Why check your stocks

Why check your stocks every day still in this economy? The chances are the company is not in business any longer.