Pay to be scared

Why pay to be scared on a roller coaster when you can turn on the news and be scared for free?

Escape reality

What is the best job to escape reality? Acting, because every day is a new adventure and life.

Don't look up to me

If you don't want anybody looking up to you in life, just stay short and poor.

Can't lose much

The best thing about not being rich is that you can't lose very much since you already have nothing.

Power of the remote

People use the TV remote so much because that is as close as they will get to feel like they are in command of the Enterprise.

Chess

Chess is the civil way of destroying someone.

Age and sitting down

You know you are getting older when sitting down and getting up on the toilet seat is a workout.

Monopoly riches

Monopoly is as close to getting rich as 99.9% of us will ever get.

Can't remember age

You are aging when you can't remember how old you are without thinking about it first.

Birthday candles and age

You are getting older when blowing out birthday cake candles feels like running a marathon.

Age and birthday candles

You know you are getting older when the birthday number candles don't go up as high as your age.

Hard tax code

The tax code is hard to understand, because if it were easy, everyone would be taking all deductions.

College fund

A college fund is great to start, until you realize you can't save enough money for even the cheapest colleges.

Great art

The best people to show your paintings to are people who know nothing about art, because they will believe anything you show them is art.

Airline food

Airline food does not have to taste great, because where are you going to go to get other food up there?

Bad memory

If you have a bad memory and a bad life, at least you'll remember as little of it as you can.

Contact lenses

Contact lenses were invented so people would stop saying you wear glasses all the time.

Exercise and golf

Don't worry if you are a terrible golfer, just think of all the exercise you will get finding the lost balls in the trees.

Answering machines

Why do all the pre-recorded messages that come with answering machines all sound like the same guy?

Actors

If you date an actor, how do know if they are ever lying about something? They are an actor.

Age and camels

Don't worry if you slow down with age, just look at how camels move and you'll feel better.

Curious people

The phone company knows people are curious in life, so why not make money off it by inventing Caller Id?

Be a clown

If people always laugh at you, get paid for it by becoming a circus clown.

No time for pets

Get a pet according to your lifestyle. For 99% of us, that means a pet that can do most everything on its own.

Barbecue expert

The more smoke you make when cooking on the barbecue, the more people around you will actually think you know how to cook.

Cafeteria food

The reason why cafeteria food does not taste good is because they know you didn't bring lunch and have no choice but to eat what they have.

High school reunions

If you are older and out of shape when going to a high school reunion, don't worry, someone there always looks far worse than you look.

Roller coaster highs

The small roller coasters are a good test to see if someone is afraid of heights. The biggest ones test if they are crazy.