Bus fare

Is any bus fare actually fair?

Holiday cheers

Get some holiday cheers. Tell a good joke and get some cheers.

Seasoned greetings

If you are a cook, for the holidays be sure to say "seasoned greetings" rather than "seasons greetings".

Humor and peace

Humor can help make peace. Everyone will feel sorry about each others bad jokes.

Knowledge is power

Knowledge is power. So most people must know absolutely nothing.

Life success

Just in case you don't make it in this life, you may have a chance IF there is a next one.

Commit the boss

People can commit a husband for life. But how do you commit the boss to keep you for life?

Circulatory test

My circulatory test showed that I am moving in slow motion.

Caught in the act

The smartest people are not caught in the act, they are caught OUT of the act.

Mall Santas

Santas hang out in the malls for the same reason as everyone else; to get cheap prices on toys.

Bass fishing

The only bass fishing I know is trying to find the right bass setting for my speakers.

Business picture

The best time to take a picture of yourself in your business today is as soon as possible and before you go out of business.

Biggest wave

The biggest wave I ever saw was not at the beach, but at a baseball stadium.

Mental test

If everybody took a mental test today, more than half the people would fail.

Memory test

I was going to take a memory test online last week but I forgot to take it.

Forgotten you

Remember, nobody has forgotten you on purpose. They just got old and can't remember you or anybody else.

New job

With the economy now, most people have a new job for life; finding one.

Humor and faith

Humor and faith go together. Have faith that the humor you tell will actually be funny to someone.

Where I used to hide out

I used to hide out where nobody would find me; in my bedroom.

Favorite time to write jokes

My favorite time to write jokes is when I can actually think of some.

Graduation test

The graduation test today is to see if you can go through school without going through two grades twice.

Human cloning

Human cloning just means another flawed human in the world.

Choosing your friends

Choose your friends by the friends of other people. If everyone knows them, they must be good.

Patience never works

Having patience never works because the rest of the world doesn't have any.

Humor and toughness

You need toughness with humor for when nobody laughs at your jokes.

My first crush

My first crush was when heavy furniture fell on my fingers.

The last time I tasted buttermilk

The last time I tasted buttermilk was when the butter fell in the milk.

Famous horses

You know you have more work to do in life when a horse is more famous than you are.

The last time I was at the ocean

The last time I was at the ocean was when I got flooded by a storm.

Men of few words

The men of a few words gets in the least amount of trouble.

Making a will

I don't need a will. I am leaving what little I have to myself.

Lunchboxes

Lunchboxes are worth it to get just for the images, not because you carry lunch.

Live a long happy life

Living a long happy life only happens in the movies. In the real world it is a short and sad life.

Memory lane

Just where is memory lane? I lost some memories.

Mealtime blessings

My mealtime blessing is that I live for thousands of more meals.

Least numbers in lottery

If you can win millions in the lottery for the least numbers matched, I would be the richest in the world.

Lost parrots

Lost parrots are the only pet that can return if lost. They can just ask someone for directions.

Success

Success can't be measured because most people inherit it.

Privileges

The only privilege I earned so far in life was the privilege to earn privileges.

Someone has everything

If someone has everything, it also means that someone has nothing.

Furthest traveled

The furthest I ever traveled was in my dreams.

Higher power

I believe in a higher power; the Universe.

Most memorable class in school

My most memorable class in school is study hall. It's the only one I can remember, since I didn't have to do anything.

Breakfast food

The best breakfast food is one that takes the least about of time to prepare.

Jab

The only good feeling jab is an acupuncture jab.

Exaggeration

Exaggerations are only bad if you can't back them up.

Internet junkie

The only respected junkie is an Internet junkie.

Close the sale

Don't close the sale. I want it to last so I can get things cheap.

Chicken or egg

It doesn't matter which was first. You have no chickens without eggs and no eggs without chickens.

It's your funeral

Actually it isn't, since most likely you are not paying for it.

Grant

The only grant I ever qualified for was from my own bank account.

Great golf shot

The greatest golf shot I ever made was in my golf video game.

Courage

I have a lot of courage as long as nobody else is around me.

Other side of rainbow

They say money is on the other side of a rainbow. It is also impossible to get to the other side of a rainbow.

Defeat fate

How do you defeat fate? We are all gone sooner or later unless we do.

Free thought

With all the crazy things some people do in the world, free thought should be an earned privilege.

Pronunciation

You need help pronouncing words if you can't spell pronunciation to start with.

Fire a boss

You CAN fire a boss if you become your own boss.

Political landscape

The political landscape here is worse than a botched landscaping job.

Closest to heaven

The closest people to heaven are those who build skyscrapers.

Best at raising eyebrows

The people best at raising eyebrows are plastic surgeons.

Counter productive

Counter productive can be good if your job is behind a counter all day.

Basic food groups

For some reason, some people never got the memo that there are other food groups besides the ones that fats and sugars are in.

Repair a $5.00 radio

The cheapest fix for a broken $5 radio is another cheap $5 radio.

Jokes through email

Send your bad jokes through email. Your feelings will never be hurt, since they can't laugh in front of you anyway.

Christmas is for kids

And the adults who never grew up get the most gifts, so I am set for life.

In space

I saw so many Star Trek episodes I thought I was in space. Wait... we already are in space.

Dancing butt out

You don't have to know how to dance today. Just stick your butt out and you will be known all over.

Dancing greats

To someone who doesn't know anything about dancing, everyone looks exactly the same.

Celebrate first birthday

I only celebrate my first birthday; when I was the youngest. The others I didn't want to since I gradually got older.

Families

We all have a family even if you don't have a family because the human race is the largest one.

Fighting

You need fighting in life in order to have the word victory.

Easy generosity

Did you notice it is much easier to be generous when you actually have money?

Live forever but high unemployment

You can't live forever though, because the unemployment rate would be way high with all the funeral people out of jobs.

Making good

I'm good in life to start with, so I never have to worry about making good.

Efficiency

Efficiency is only experimental science. Nothing can ever be 100% efficent in life.

Lots of ambition

Lots of ambition is important only if you want to be somebody, otherwise save the energy.

Common sense

Common sense is only important to have if other people around you are smarter than you.

Best thing about being a kid

The best thing about being a kid is the fact that you ARE a kid.

Run away from reality

The only way to run away from reality is to live in an alternate Universe that has unreality.

Become famous overnight

The best way today to become famous overnight is to make people think you have talent when you don't.

If I were a billionaire

If I were a billionaire, I would know I am in my second life. It sure isn't happening in this one.

If you could read minds

If we could read minds, fights would increase once we find out what people really think about us.

If no coffee

If there were no coffee, car accidents would go up by thousands of percent each morning.

Dating on a dime

You need more like 500 dimes to afford a date today.

Don't dream big

Don't dream big. Most things you get in life will be small.

I'm so poor

I'm so poor, I had to take out a loan to pay an overdue loan.

Kindness today

Kindness is not too common today, so you can save a lot of time trying to be.

I'm thankful for...

I'm thankful for not being even more poorer than I already am.

The art of babysitting

The art of babysitting isn't an exact science, but since it is so hard, someone should make it be.

The perfect pet

The perfect pet is one that takes care of itself.

Goofy humor

Goofy humor is all humor. You are either goofy or serious.

Humor in the landscape

Humor is in the landscape because the Earth is full of people.

Fairy tales

Fairy tales come true only for the people in the fairy tale.

Empty zoo cages

The last place you want to see an empty cage is at the zoo.

Good dreams

Good dreams are the dreams that will never come true in real life.

Discouraged

Discouraged about life? I'm more discouraged I can't win the lottery yet.

A dash of humor

A dash of humor are jokes served around dinner time with the salt and pepper.

Trouble breathing

The only time I ever had trouble breathing was before I was born.

Fishing at retirement

Fishing is the perfect sport for retirement. You are doing something and nothing at the same time.

Self mocking humor

With self mocking humor, I have an unlimited supply of jokes.

Humor and family drama

Humor and family drama are a match. The more family drama you have the better the jokes will be.

Humor abuse

Humor abuse is continuously telling someone bad jokes.

Tough decisions in life

Have an easy life so you avoid tough decisions.

Investing strategy

The best investing strategy today is not to invest in anything.

At my best

I am at my best when I am doing something I can actually do. So I am not at my best most of the time.

That important?

Nobody you talk to is that important unless they have a holiday named after them.

My hockey injury

I'm so bad at hockey, that I got injured by hitting myself with the stick.

Free advice

If someone is giving you advice for free, it can't be that good. They would charge you if it was really that great.

Golf ball color

Golf balls are white so you can find them easier when they go in the woods on each hole.

Opportunities

Great opportunities only come around once... or never for 99% of people.

The best opportunity

The best opportunity in life comes to those who inherit millions of dollars.

Soap operas

If everyone had an interesting life, soap operas would not exist.

Gardening

Gardening is usually a failed attempt to show creativity.

Folding chairs

Folding chairs are great. They save space and give you exercise at the same time by constantly having to open and close them.

The worst intentions

The worst intentions are only bad if they actually work out.

Seesaw

The seesaw of someone with a bad life does not go up too easy.

Liven up a party

The best way to liven up a party is by showing up.

Size zero

Size zero only matters until a size -1 is invented.

Rest of the world views Americans

The rest of the world views Americans with a telescope because we are so far away.

Politically correct in daily life

It is easy to be politically correct in daily life. Just don't say anything other than hello or goodbye.

Take life seriously

Take life seriously and study. It may continue on after this one and then you won't know anything in the next life either.

Quiet world

Make the world a quiet place; invent telepathy.

Tension and humor

Tension and humor... waiting to see if the audience will laugh at your joke.

Lose memories

Don't worry about not being able to lose bad memories. You will be lucky to remember ANY memory when you get old.

Sense of humor

I don't need a sense of humor. I am funny enough without one.

Policy and humor

Policy and humor go together well. You need humor as a president when you have a terrible policy.

Food ingredients

Food ingredients are not meant to be understood. If you understood them, you wouldn't buy anything.

Blood type

My blood type is listed under "tired".

Honesty is the best policy

Honesty is the best policy only if the other person follows this same policy.

Biggest risk

My biggest risk in life is everything. It is life itself.

Change careers

If I could change careers tomorrow, I would decided to actually have one.

Crashing parties

I don't know how to crash a party, since I have never been to any.

Old goats

I don't know, but as I get older, I rather be called an old goat than and old geezer.

No diet and no exercise

No diet and no exercise makes it a fun day.

New trends

Don't worry about following new trends. They are soon old trends.

Being let down

I prevent friends from letting me down by not having any.

Crying to get something

Crying doesn't work to get something as a kid. I already tried it hundreds of times; I have nothing.

My favorite costume

My favorite costume is my clothes. They are so old that they look like a costume to most people.

Most important meal of the day

The most important meal of the day should be any meal that has pizza being served.

Old hangouts

Tired of old hangouts? Just don't visit them for 20 years and they will become new hangouts.

Sarcastic humor

Sarcastic humor is delivered by sarcastic people.

My humor campaign

My long humor campaign is to make people think I am actually funny. I have extended my campaign for the tenth time.

Zipper dangers

Due to differences in body design for men and women, zippers on pants are far more dangerous for men.

Bad wallpaper

Every wallpaper is bad. There is always someone who doesn't like the design.

A unique home

A unique home today is one that is not in foreclosure.

Shoe shiners

Shoe shiners are out of work today because nobody wears shiney shoes anymore.

Bosses job

I would love my bosses job, but he just lost his too.

Life after midnight

Midnight is great. It means you made it to another day.

Dog house

The only dog house most people know is after a divorce.

Walking on water

I walked on water a few times, but it was frozen water.

Internet junkies

The main side effect of Internet junkies are good to bad to worse eyesight.

Heimlich maneuver

Never mind perform it. Nobody even knows how to spell it.

Double negative

The only double negative I know is my savings account balance.

At the racetrack

The racetrack is just like real life. You sometimes win but mostly lose at things.

Risk taking

Risk taking is something you only do when you know you have a chance of accomplishing it.

People I will never forget

The only person I will never forget is me. I know myself better than anyone.

Old address book

I have an old address book which by now is probably filled with old people.

Bungee jumping

I tried to bunjee jump once but went backward instead of forward to safety.

Toilet seats

You can't have a toilet seat that is too clean. Nobody would want to use it then.

Small mistakes

Everything is a small mistake in life unless it involves money. Then you will probably go bankrupt.

Truth of life

The main truth of life is that you will not be here very long.

Potential jurors

Everyone is a potential juror. It isn't like anyone actually volunteers for this job.

Play house

Kids today don't play house. They play the school.

Hearing off aid

I don't need a hearing aid in public. I need an aid to turn hearing off.

Still 19

I stopped counting my age at 19. I don't understand how 2 for 20 comes after 9.

Growing up

Growing up is hard. That is why I'm not doing it and refuse.

GPA

I never knew what a GPA was in college so I couldn't tell anyone. Now that I know and saw my score, I make sure THEY don't know it.

Best golf club

Never mind a 1 wood. I have to go down to a -1 wood to get extra distance.

Gas mileage

I got great gas mileage on my car by not using it.

Things I can't afford

I made my list shorter by just listing the things I CAN afford.

Counter productive

Can someone that makes kitchen counters ever be counter productive?

I like bowling

I like bowling because you can be totally out of shape and still win a game against someone.

Men watch TV

Men don't WATCH the TV set. They watch the women who are on the TV.

Divorce video

You don't need a divorce video like you do a wedding video. Just watch the wedding video backward. There is your divorce.

Marriage fights

At least when you are married and fighting, you are fighting with someone you know rather than some stranger.

Bureaucracy rule

The main bureaucracy rule; work as slow as you want because nothing actually gets done anyway.

Main rule for work

The main rule for work is to show up so you don't get fired.

Rookies

Why wouldn't someone want to be called a rookie? It means you are young.

Retire rich

It is easy to retire rich. Just move to a country where nobody has any money and you will be rich.

A new greeting

The perfect greeting for people who you don't want to talk to; "hello, goodbye".

Folding laundry

I folded laundry so much that I got to hate clothes. Now I never buy any new ones.

Athletic fun

The only athletic fun I ever had was playing my golf video game.

Most fun small town

The most fun small town is probably where nobody lives, and the animals have it free all to themselves.

Toddler soccer

Toddler soccer is a lot of fun. Because even if you do terrible, you won't know it at that age.

Fun and games

Life is fun and games... usually up to age 10 only.

Cover letters

My job resume cover letter was short. I have no idea what a cover letter is so I had none.

Renaissance man

I am a renaissance man, I like old things.

Relationship accident

A relationship is always planned. It is only called an accident if it doesn't work out.

Serious about humor

Why should I get serious about humor? I want people to laugh.

Rock star

The closest I ever got to being a rock star is wearing sunglasses while playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on my guitar.

Humor and love

Humor and love go together. If the people like your jokes, you will get plenty of love from the crowd.

Musician's humor

Musician's humor is all about hitting the right note.

Humor contest

I entered a humor contest and got laughed off the stage.

Remembered for humor

Being remember for humor can be a good or bad thing. Did people laugh WITH you or AT you?

Internet dating

Internet dating is a great way of meeting the exact same people who you would meet in person.

People behaving badly

It shouldn't be news today when people are behaving badly. What is more shocking is reporting on people behaving normally.

Seasick bath

Never mind getting seasick on a boat, I got seasick as a kid taking a bath.

Life sermon

I gave a sermon on life, but it was short, since I have none.

$7 haircuts and $40 haircuts

The $7 haircuts and the $40 haircuts ARE different. The $40 haircuts use more expensive scissors.

Domestically challenged people

Some people are domestically challenged. They never do any work around the house.

Shake hands dogs

Dogs must like people more than other dogs. They shake paws like a handshake with people's hands but yet they never do it with other dogs.

Normal candidates

A candidate today will be called weird if they have nothing abnormal about their private life. But on the bright side, you will be a shoe in to win elections.

Business ethics rule

The main business ethics rule followed by all business today is to do anything to put the other guy out of business.

Fast supermarket shopping

Supermarket shopping goes the fastest if you get the wagon with the wheels that aren't as broken as the others.

Amusement parks

Why pay for amusements parks? Life is amusing enough and it's free.

Humor and longevity

Humor helps you live a longer life. You can just keep laughing through anything and not realize that you are getting more sick and old.

Humor and aging

Humor makes you feel younger. By laughing at immature jokes, you will feel younger and forget about how quickly you are getting older.

Discounted items

It's funny how all the discounted items online and in the stores are always things that nobody wants.

Disposition

Some people have a fun disposition all the time. I only have it when I am telling jokes.

Funny acting lessons

You don't need funny acting lessons. Everyone today already acts stupid.

Nerd humor

Nerd humor is high tech. It is all about glasses, pens, pockets, and computers.

Employ humor

Humor doesn't need a job. The people who write the humor do.

Billboard humor

The only public humor that is instantly famous is billboard humor.

Natural looks

I have natural looks. I look like a human being.

Climate change

How can anybody not believe in climate change? I have four seasons here in New York.

Profanity

Without people using profanity, nobody else would know how much smarter they are than the person using it.

Pickpockets

Pickpockets can be solved easy. Just don't wear clothing with any pockets on them.

Onions

Onions never make me cry. They are tasty and I'm very happy when I prepare them.

In home hospitality

I have the best hospitality in house. I let everyone help themselves while I sit down. I mean you never know what foods people want.

Misers

I will never be called a miser, since I had nothing to give away to start with.

Ambition

You must have ambition in life. If you don't want to be anything, at least have the ambition to succeed at THAT.

Allowances

The only allowance I know is to make an allowance for someone; not the money allowance.

Biggest accident

The biggest accident I had in life was not getting rich.

Alarm clocks

I had two alarm clocks go off in case I get up late. I still woke up late when the power failed and neither went off.

Boxing career

Boxing is a great career. Now if I can only find a 90 pound weakling to box against so I can turn pro.

My conscience

My conscience told me not to do anything fun. Good thing I won or I would have a boring life.

Freak

Today, a freak is anyone who dresses or acts normal.

Flowers and arguments

Flowers were invented because of all the arguments people have. The divorce rate would be twice as high otherwise.

Flirtation

Flirtation is fun they say. But they never tell you how do you get someone to flirt with you to start with.

Party went wrong

The party went wrong for me from the start. I never was invited to begin with.

Advantages of wearing braces

Why complain if you wear braces? A good advantage of wearing them is on dates. It prevents someone's tongue from coming to close to you.

Modern times

I didn't like modern times because of all the weird people today. So I went back to the past. They thought I was weird and sent me back.

Lightning strike

I almost got hit by a lightning strike once. I almost won the lottery.

Honesty and humor

Honesty and humor go together well. Be honest with yourself and admit your jokes are not funny.

Five ways to get popular today with a music performance

Sure ways to get popular today with a music performance.

1) Wear as little clothing as possible.
2) Use a lot of props so people forget your lack of talent.
3) Do sexy moves to distract people from the singing.
4) Dress older than you really are so older people will watch.
5) Act like you really ARE good.

Obey everyone

People only obey others because they are not in charge of the situation.

Garlic breath

Why is garlic breath bad? They said garlic is good for your health. So the person is probably as fit as can be.

Using your body to get a promotion

I used my body to get a promotion. I walked 10 city blocks to get to the job inteview.

Fireproof coffins

Does anyone ever ask if coffins are fireproof? Not that it matters...

Collateral

If you have no collateral to offer to someone, buy a lottery ticket for them. The chance to win hundreds of millions has to worth something right?

Computer glitch

I had a strange computer glitch. The computer worked all day without a freezing up.

Considerate spouse

A considerate spouse is someone who notifies you before they get a divorce.

Gratitude and humor

Gratitude and humor go together. You have gratitude as long as people laugh at your jokes.

Offbeat sense of humor

My humor is always offbeat, since I'm not a musician.

Prop humor

I love prop humor, but I can never do it, since I don't know how to make the props.

Loving humor

Loving humor is humor done only around family members.

Bottom of the class

I was always at the bottom of the class. The second floor was much smarter.

Judge a person by company

You can always judge a person by the company they keep. If they keep no company, you are screwed.

Count your chickens

I don't have to count my chickens before they hatch. I never had any chickens and never will.

Old fools

The biggest fools are the old fools. They gained more experience being a fool each year of their life.

Stage mothers

Stage mothers are part of the stage so much they have an entire word just for them.

Sewing lesson

The only sewing lesson I learned after one lesson is not to sew.

Setting goals

I set no goals in life. This way if life doesn't work out, I'm not disappointed.

Cheap socks

I buy such cheap socks that they already come with the holes in the big toe and heel.

Biggest liar

The biggest liar is the person who never gets caught for any of their lies.

Bathroom scales

Who really keeps the bathroom scale in the bathroom? It is dirty there. They should call it a kitchen scale, where most people keep it.

Broke government

The government is so broke, even they have to borrow money from the banks.

Joke attention

My jokes attract attention... for all the wrong reasons.

Science humor

Be sure to put your calculator in scientific notation before hearing science humor.

Anti humor jokes

I am a specialist in anti humor jokes. I get one laugh per 100 jokes.

Self deprecating humor

If everyone did self deprecating humor, they would have jokes for another 100 years.

Dry humor

I always do dry humor. I never drink while telling my jokes.

Adult humor

All humor is adult humor. How can babies tell jokes?

Surprise and humor

Surprise and humor go together. You are always surprised if the joke is really good and surprised if the joke is really bad.

Bonded by humor

We are all bonded by humor. Except for the people without a sense of humor.

Recycling humor

In the age of recycling, it is a good thing humor doesn't have to be recycled or we would just have recycled old jokes.

College humor

College humor jokes don't last very long. You are only in college a few years.

Being too funny

It's possible to be too funny. But fortunately I never have to worry about that.

A penny for your thoughts

The reason why it is only a penny is because a penny is all most people's thoughts are worth.

Problem adult

I'm not a problem child. I'm a problem adult.

I got to third base

I got to third base once. Not in dating; in baseball.

Pay the price

I paid the price in life a lot of the time by buying things that are way too expensive.

Computer memory

I have a computer memory. But like the blue screen with computers, I sometimes get a blank screen and can't remember anything.

No funerals

I don't go to funerals because I don't approve of death.

Modest person

I'm a modest person. It is easy when you don't own anything to be unmodest about.

Good virtues

I have all good virtues that most people dislike.

Cool

I'm cool enough to know when someone is hot.

Music and humor

You have to have a sense of humor to listen to some of the music that is out today.

Hateful humor

Hateful humor is when people dislike the jokes because they are so bad and wind up hating the humorist.

Med humor

Med humor is only understood by doctors.

Humorous memoir

In the world today, what memoir written by someone is not a HUMOROUS memoir?

Humorous gardening

Humorous gardening is any garden not done by a professional gardener.

Legs and hot dogs

Lets and hot dogs are the opposites. Most like fat hot dogs and skinny legs.

Pop culture

The opposite of crazy pop culture is classical music culture.

Absurd person

Some people are just plain absurd. I am only absurd in humor.

Dark humor

Dark humor is humor you should say with the lights out in order not to be embarrassed by it.

Drama and humor

Drama and humor is when people talk about their private life that is a joke.

Humor him

Don't humor him if he is already crazy. Try to UNHUMOR him.

Design and humor

If I could design humor, I would be an artist and sell paintings instead.

Usual humor

Usual humor in the case of many people means no humor.

Humor prize

I won the top humor prize for the worst joke that people thought was funny.

Two racquet tennis

Two racquet tennis is for the rest of us who can't hit the ball. Hold a racquet in each hand so you have double the chance of hitting the ball back.

Men and bananas

Men get like bananas as they age. They become less firm.

Rocking rocker chair

The rocker chair was a good idea for me. But I'm too old to get it rocking on some days.

Temptation when older

You don't have to worry about temptation when older. Nobody will want to temp you anymore anyway.

Sin when older

Sin doesn't matter when you get older. You're too old to even know what a sin is and isn't.

Son of a C

Never mind son of a B. When I get mad, I go up to son of a C.

Fun when getting older

It's hard to have fun when you get older because having fun takes too much energy.

I save on checkbooks

I save on checkbooks. I don't have any money.

Hurricanes and divorce

Hurricanes and divorce go together. You will usually get wiped out in the end of everything you own.

Circus marriage

Marriage is like a circus. It is a lot of fun at first. Then it just gets gradually boring over the years.

If some people were a billionaire

If some people were a billionaire, they would have a big problem. Counting up to billions is beyond most people.

Twinkling eye

Today, a twinkle in someone's eye on a date probably means they have an eye disease.

Best winter activity

The best winter activity is sleeping. What else can you do in freezing temperatures?

Tough decisions

The best solution to a tough decision is letting someone else come up with the solution. This way get the blame when it doesn't work out.

Bottle rockets

Bottle rockets are the closest most of us will ever get to space.

Losses in sports are forever

Losses in sports are forever because people like to rub them in.

Blue Moons

If things happen once in a blue Moon, don't worry. Blue Moons are real. So you still have a chance of it happening.

My body

My body likes me for now... until it decides to retire and quit.

Only rich on game shows

You need lots of money to go on game shows. The poor get even poorer after paying the taxes on the prizes they win.

Be politically correct

The best way to be politically correct is to just agree with everything everyone else agrees with and you will be fine.

A crackle of comedians

It was a crackle of comedians. All of them were cracking up laughing.

Dumb problem

A solution to a dumb problem is to find a dumb solution.

I was principal

I was a school principal once, until the students got me in trouble.

Superiority theory

My superiority theory is that I am slightly superior than most.

Change one thing about the world

To make the world better, you can't change ONE thing. You would need an entire new world.

Humor helps you recover

Humor can help you recover from the last bad joke if the new joke is good.

We all make mistakes

We all make mistakes. I just make far less than most people do.

Dates on a dime

I date on a dime because a dime is all I have.

Eat on the run

I never eat on the run. I only eat sitting down in case afterwards I can't get up.

Your wife is always right

Your wife is always right. Only because you don't want a divorce.

Good ones always taken

The good ones in life are always taken, because who wants the bad ones?

Lies

Everybody lies because the truth usually doesn't work that well.

Life irritates you?

Get used to it if life irritates you, because the next life is exactly the same as this one.

Humor lines with unexpected twist

The unexpected twist are jokes that fall flat.

Do something that you never done before

If I have never done something before, there is a good reason. I probably can't do it to begin with.

Legendary humor

Legendary humor is humor with no boos ever. So legendary humor is just a legend.

Write about your disappointments

There isn't enough time left in the Universe for everyone to write about their disappointments.

First grade memories

All that I remember from back then was that I was much younger and less smarter.

Ice cube tastes

An ice cube taste like water. What would you think it taste like?

Paper airplane makers

The paper airplane maker kids are the future designers of tomorrow.

My talents

My talents? Give me a few days. I'll find at least one.

Mother Goose eggs

I need Mother Goose to lay eggs for me but with money inside instead.

People I’ll never forget in life

The people I'll never forget in life are those with easy to pronounce first and last names.

On TV

The only time I was on TV was when I filmed myself and played it back on TV.

Sharing

I have nothing to share unless I become a millionaire; and even then it is uncertain.

The best cookie

The best cookie I have ever eaten is one that was not made at home or in someone else's home.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was created so everyone would get free chocolate.

Quiet house

The house and neighborhood located near the airport will be very quiet. The bedrooms are soundproof.

Convenient location

The house is at a convenient location. It is just a few minutes from the busy city airport.

A house for gardening fans

This is a house for gardening fans. The lawn hasn't been cut in months. And there are all kinds of plants growing.

A wealth of features

The house has many features, including a well in the back to pump your own water.

Compact

The house is compact. The one bathroom is in the bedroom.

Rare opportunity to buy

A rare opportunity to buy before the house is condemned.

Deceptive appearance

The outside of the house is fine. The inside is falling apart.

Sought after

The house is well sought after. My entire family wants it.

Eager to sell

Eager to sell house before the neighborhood turns bad.

Pioneer

A pioneer is someone who got lucky and wound up in the right spot.

The mathematics of love

I guess this is one of those unsolved math problems in the world still.

Latest tie fashions

It seems there is never any latest tie fashion. Any tie off the rack is in style.

Bow tie smarts

Bow ties make everyone feel smart when they use them.

Grocery math numbers

If you know math, don't go grocery shopping. You won't be able to make a $200 food shopping ever again.

Green thumb

A green thumb is if you are rich. A palm is if you need money.

School all week

If school were in session six days a week, all kids would eventually be smarter than adults.

Huge dinosaurs

What I know about dinosaurs is that they would have stepped on me if they were still here.

Don’t overanalyze humor

Don’t overanalyze humor or else you may find that the jokes are really not that funny.

Difficult daily decisions

One of the most difficult daily decisions I make is whether to get out of bed in the morning or not.

Scary movies

People go to scary movies with their friends just to test how brave they are.

Absurd decisions

If people all wrote down their absurd decisions, the book would be the biggest in human history.

Immortal

If people were immortal, you would have to start building jails on the Moon as we run out of space.

Animals exist to...

Animals exist to make us all feel like we are actually smart.

Fight for myself

I would be willing to fight for myself, unless someone bigger can do it for me.

Perfect day

A perfect day is when everything works out perfect. So perfect days are fiction.

The world is controlled by people

The world is controlled by people who obviously don't know what they are doing.

Laughter is the best medicine

Laughter is the best medicine, but like medicine, sometimes it doesn't work.

Black-and-blue humor

Black-and-blue humor is what you get if you keep telling bad jokes on stage.

Obsolete horses

Horses may be obsolete today, but they said they don't mind getting a break.

Snap your fingers

Do we really need classes on telling people how to snap their fingers? How hard really is it?

Pizza good

Never mind rest in peace when I am gone, I say rest in pizza.

Talent circus

The day I went to the circus I realized I wasn't as talented as I thought.

Finding memories

I find memories where I leave them; usually outside my brain.

Savior

If your first name is Savior, you must have a lot of friends asking to be saved.

Holidays make me sad

Holidays make me sad because I can never remember the dates for most of them.

Olympic walking

Why not add walking to the Olympics so I can finally get a gold medal in something?

Money and cars

Money isn't everything, but it can buy expensive cars which you can live in once you go broke.

Classic books

A classic book is something you read about but never actually read yourself.

Smile

Smile and make believe your life is great.

College phones

College is the only time where parents actually want you to have a phone and encourage you to use it often.

Western movie fans

To western movie fans, any film not a western is a foreign film.

Perfect ten

I have a perfect ten. Ten times I played the lottery in a row and lost each time.

The middle man

Just who and where is the middle man when it comes to business? He is like the invisible man.

Long lunch

I had a long lunch today. The hero I got was over 12 inches long.

The school theater

If the entire school were a theater, everyone would show up all the time.

Long line

The only long line you want to see in life is a long LIFE line on your palms.

Being lazy

Anytime is a good time to be lazy. I can't even think of a time when it isn't good to be lazy.

Yoga

If your first name is Yoga, I guess we all know your favorite activity.

Classes I hated

If I remember, I didn't hate any classes, I just didn't like school in general.

Walk in the park

If life were a walk in the park, a lot of us would be robbed.

I'm more funny

I was told I am more funny than anyone from Antarctica.

My best personality trait

My best personality trait I haven't found yet, since I don't really have a personality.

Bad thing about my age

The bad thing about my age is that it keeps going up one digit higher each year.

Most important role model

My most important role model is me. That's why I don't have success.

Have a brother or sister

Is there a third option to just have a pet instead?

Promises

The best way not to break an important promise is to never make any promises.

Perform in front of audience

How can I perform in front of an audience when I can't perform in front of myself?

Stray animal

The stray animal in some people's homes is actually a human.

Earn a privilege

I never earned a privilege because I already had them all to start with.

Stick up for someone

I never stick up for someone because I can't stick up for myself yet.

Anger

Anger is triggered by other people, so moving to Mars would be the cure.

Travel into the past

If you could travel into the past, you could relive the few good things that have happened to you in life.

Humor turns women on

This can't be true or I would have no time to write any humor.

Judging my humor

My humor rating score is a first, it's "Not measurable".

Humor and faith

You have to have humor to have faith, and you have to have faith to have humor.

Humor is necessary

Humor is human history. You have to talk about what people bring upon themselves.

Write about big mistakes

I never wrote about the big mistakes I made because the book would be too many volumes.

Summer in the city

Summer in the city is the same as summer in the country, just with more people.

Green is the color...

Green is the color of money and also sickness, because with no money you feel sick.

First crush

Your first crush is just like the end of life, you come up short and you're done.

The unforgiven

The unforgiven is everyone on Earth. That's why we hear from nobody in the afterlife.

The best intentions

The best intentions of someone depend on the person that is doing the intention.

Sesame

Either you will be a cook or into cartoons if you first name is Sesame.

Jazzy

Your career in life is music if your name is Jazzy.

Excel

You cannot not excel in life if you first name is Excel.

Jury

Do not complain if you are on juries all of your life if your first name is Jury.

Ace

You must play tennis if you first name is Ace.

Queenie

Are all the Queenie's hard to please?

Cello

If your first name is Cello, you already know what you career is.

Hippo

Do all Hippo's turn out big?

Velvet

Every Velvet is a smooth person.

Draco

He does not have to be into magic just because he is named Draco.

Cinnamon

I bet some of Cinnamon's friends are Salt and Pepper.

Dudley

Not all Dudley's are duds.

Diamond

You really found you diamond in the rough if you found a Diamond.

Mailmen under the weather

Mailmen are always under the weather. But sometimes the weather is sunny.

Manage stress

The best way to manage stress is by not having any stress to start with.

Pirated music

My music was so bad I had to pay the pirates to give my music away.

Everyone cheating

He was caught cheating by the cheater next to him.

Best complement

The best complements I have gotten are no negative complements.

Changing careers

I would change careers if I had one to start with.

I am a super nerd

I am a super nerd. I have pens in my shirt pockets, pants, and coat jackets.

Adjectives and people

Most people can't use adjectives to describes themselves because they don't know what an adjective is.

Lowbrow humor

Lowbrow humor is humor that hits below the eyebrows.

Fantasy comedy

Fantasy comedy are all the jokes you have that you fantasized were good.

Truth in comedy

Truth in comedy is always stretched because it is comedy.

Self-conscious humor

Self-conscious humor are jokes that can't even pass YOU without getting no laughs.

Internet humor

Internet humor can be found easy. The entire Internet is almost a joke now.

Aliens have a sense of humor

Aliens have a sense of humor. They visit us for a few minutes, see us, and then leave.

Monday morning humor

Monday morning humor is tired humor from the weekend.

Paranormal humor

Paranormal humor is humor you can't fully understand or know where it is coming from.

Cat gone humor

Don't listen to everyone, because cat gone humor is just as good as dog gone humor.

Saucy humor

Saucy humor can only happen if you are out eating someplace.

Comedic literature

Comedic literature is humor written on actual pages in a book.

Clever humor

Clever humor is humor that YOU actually think of.

A guy with humor...

A guy with humor is a humorguyist.

Sleeping dogs lie

Sleeping dogs lie, but sleeping cats lie also.

Marketing lesson

The best marketing lesson is to hype something that does not really work.

Learn about death

I learned about death first before I was born.

Pick up tab

I always expect someone to pick up the tab, since I have no money.

Child that you looks up to you

The only child that looks up to me is me, because I never grew up yet.

Lose inhibitions

I can't lose my inhibitions because I don't have any to start with.

Married bosses

If people don't like bosses, why do they get married?

Sacrifice to go into space

I would sacrifice money to go into space. It would be easy, since I have none.

Change for the better

I never change for the better because I figure I am already the best I can be right now.

My best birthday memory

My best birthday memory is none. I can't remember my birthdays.

Act my age

I never have to act my age because I forgot what my age is.

Most peaceful day

The most peaceful day I ever had was the day before I came into this life.

Cartoons

I like to watch all cartoons, since the characters make me look like a genius.

Change life for the better

The last time I think I changed my life for the better was in my last life.

Impress

The only person I try to impress is myself, but I still have more work to do.

Seeing a concert

The only concert I ever went to see was in my bedroom when it was on TV.

Retirement

Why is retirement good? It means you're at the end of your life.

Heaven is on Earth

Heaven is on Earth, as long as you have a load of money.

Hearts and brains

People who eat animal hearts and brains probably don't have a heart or a brain.

I don't have any traditions

I don't have any traditions because I don't know any.

Last forever

The only thing that will last forever is my bones.

My favorite condiment

My favorite condiment is one that doesn't set my mouth on fire.

Left behind as a child

I got left behind as a child. I finished my test like 20 minutes later than the other kids.

Even poorer

Ten years ago I was poor. Ten years later I am even poorer.

Uncle Sam's sense of humor

Uncle Sam has a great sense of humor. He wants your taxes even when you're dead.

Funny, charming, brilliant friends

Funny, charming, brilliant friends? All four together in one person on THIS planet?

International humor

International humor is humor you wouldn't understand for various reasons.

Humor as weapon

If you got all the biggest comedians in the country together, humor could be used as a weapon to laugh the enemy to death.

Misguided sense of humor

I now have a misguided sense of humor. My guide left me after the first joke.

Best singer

I am a better singer than most because I can sing with my mouth closed.

My fortune

My fortune is so great I won't get it until I get to the other side.

Talking in my sleep

I was talking in my sleep. I was telling myself to be quiet during the day.

Sports fanatic

I'm a sports fanatic. I have all the sports titles for my video game system.

Space race

What does the space race mean? There is nothing in space to race to.

Smoke detector

I'm so hot, I can set off smoke detectors without them being plugged in.

New golf game

I started a new golf game for terrible players; the highest score wins.

Help desk

Where is the help desk for life located at?

Heavenly punishment

A heavenly punishment is being sent down to Earth to live forever.

Hectic day

A hectic day is any day where work is required.

Job bonus

I got a good job bonus offer. If I quit, they will give me a big bonus.

Good looks

She gets her good looks from her father; a plastic surgeon.

Laziness

Laziness isn't a handicap. People who are lazy are happy and do everything they want to do.

Long journey

A long journey starts out with a large bag of money.

Golf shaft

Never mind where the shaft of the golf club is, I found the shaft yesterday playing with my score.

Census taking

Why pay anyone to take a census? I can already tell you the world is getting way crowded each year.

Camping tents

Where do people learn how to set up a camping tent? We need a school that teaches the hard things like this.

Camping trips

I never took a camping trip because I have no idea how to camp or where to take the trip.

Beat shopping

The only thing that beats shopping is GETTING someone's shopping in the form of gifts.

Bathroom sign

There should only be one bathroom sign, "Don't come in".

Baking secret

The best baking secret is to learn how to bake before you attempt to bake.

Happy birthday

What is happy about a happy birthday? I'm a year closer to being a senior citizen.

Golf at night

I golf at night so nobody can see how bad I play.

Golf tees on the green

I'm so bad at golf, that my tees are on the green.

The best son

The best son is the Sun that keeps us alive each day.

Babies overweight

Everyone is eating so much today that even the babies are being born overweight.