Humor

Never take humor seriously because it is a joke.

I am funny

I was told I am funny. Oh wait, that was myself telling me.

Court transcripts

I never heard of anyone actually reading court transcripts.

Cool coffee

Coffee is never cool. It is always HOT.

Cooking skills

The best cooking skill to have is to know how to use an oven. You won't burn to death or set the house on fire.

Cosmetics invention

The person who invented cosmetics must think all women are ugly.

Computer terms

Computer terms. Do too much at once and I will turn my brain off with a blue screen.

Computer gender

A computer must be a neutral gender. They never get hot flashes and they never get angry.

Computers smoke

With all the thinking computers do, how come they never smoke? People's brains would be a smokestack.

Cuff links

Most people can't wear cuff links because they don't know what they are.

College dorms

The main rule of college dorms is to find someone normal.

College pride

College pride is knowing that you spent a fortune to learn things that are free online.

Blonde alumna

All the girls you know at a school alumna are blonde. Everyone is dyeing their hair today.

Scales lie

Scales lie. If they told you that you were normal weight, you wouldn't need them anymore.

Trading stocks

Too bad you can't trade stocks with someone else after you get ripped off.

Truth in advertising

The truth in advertising is they stretch the truth.

Five ways to tell you are getting older

You know you are getting older if these happen.

1) You take five hour naps.
2) You don't know what year it is.
3) You wait for the next SS raise.
4) You estimate how many more years of life you have.
5) You ask someone to check on you each day to see if you are still alive.

Sewing lesson

A good sewing lesson rule to follow is to not take up sewing unless you know how to use a sewing machine.

Senior safety

Senior safety rule to follow for today's world; never leave the house.

Senility prayer

I was saying a senility prayer, but I forgot the words.

Selling shoes

You would think we could all make money selling shoes. Who doesn't wear them?

Security questions

The safest security questions to use online are the ones where you can't remember the answers to either.

Smelly urinals

Urinals smell bad because if they smelled good, nobody would want to dirty them up and use them.

Laugh last

He who laughs last just never got the joke.

It's your fault

It's your fault because it isn't my fault.

Buy love

You can buy love, but it cost about $300 an hour.

Make commutes fun

Why not make commutes by roller coasters? They are more fun than cars.

Itchy butt

An itchy butt is never scratchable, so don't get one.

Invisible life

If we could erase the bad parts of our life, we would be almost invisible.

Uninhabitable planets

The never ending uninhabitable planets are all out there so the rotten people will be put on them after this life, one planet for each person.

Ugly

Be thankful for ugly people, because you wouldn't look so good otherwise.

Kinky things

Kinky is a temp word because things are only kinky the first time.

Warn others

Some people's purpose on Earth is to warn others not to become like them.

People care you're alive

People care you're alive. What about the bill collectors?

Test the water

Be sure to only test the water with one foot so you don't drown.

Valuable mistakes

People listen the most to you when you make a mistake, so keep making them.

Marriage vows

The marriage vow "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part". For some reason if you live the better you are fine, but the worse and you will be dumped by your spouse. I guess they left the dumped part out of the vow.

Logic classes

Logic classes, with the human race?

Leave of absence

It seems today that many people have taken a leave of absence not on work but on life.

Latest mergers

The latest merger news is that every company in the country has merged into one and 90% of the people lost their jobs.

Last word

Nobody really gets the last word, because the other person will talk again at another time.

Last wishes

My last wish in this life is to have fulfilled wishes in the next life.

Last known position

I bet the last known position of a divorced couple is NOT lying down.

Healthy diet

A healthy diet is to not eat anything that tastes good.

Curiosity kills

In a bad neighborhood, curiosity will kill the cat, dog, human, and any other thing that is moving.

Company benefits

The only benefit is that you are not living in the street because of the job.

Comatose people

If some people seem comatose in this life, I wonder how they are after death.

Clever dogs

If dogs were clever, why can't they get their own food?

City that never sleeps

That is because the city does not need the sleep, the people do.

City slicker

So why is there no country slicker?

Death row cinnamon rolls

Death row people for their last meal is always a cinnamon roll. But I thought America was all apple pie?

Cemetery visits

Don't worry, they won't miss you if you forget to go visit them.

Cell phone etiquette

Cell phone etiquette is made up by each person owning a phone. So I guess we all forget to make the rules.

Car recognition

Car recognition is great. But what if the car doesn't like you, does it let you in?

Bad golfer

In house floor golf is for those of us who can't play golf out of the house.

Child growth

Children grow up, grow out, and then grow old.

Babysit babies

Why can't babies learn to babysit themselves?

Bill of Rights

The Bill of Rights for people is long. But just imagine how long a Bill of Wrongs would be.

Audio books

Audio books are for people who are too lazy to turn pages.

Award shows

Why do people keep watching award shows? They are always the same. Someone always wins and most people lose.

Airline safety

Airline safety is great, as long as you don't read about the accidents.

Newest planes

The safest way to fly is to go on the plane that looks the newest.

Airport lost people

Airports are the only place where you will find the majority of people looking lost.

Awareness test

We need an awareness test just for life itself.

Racetrack money

If you lose your money at the racetrack, you can always become a jockey.

Angry senators

What senator is never angry?

Laughter burns calories

Laughter burns calories. So I guess my blog could be the hottest weight loss item.

Eyeglass lens

The thicker the eyeglass lens, the more expensive the bill.

Florida minister

A Florida minister is always hot.

You're not slow

Just look at how slow bugs move.

Feeding time

Feeding time for animals is only at certain times, but feeding times for people are ALL the time.

Fairy tale

If life were a fairy tale, we would all be in for a nightmare.

Fairest tax

The fairest tax is NO tax.

Expensive doctors

The good doctors are the expensive doctors. So I guess they are all good.

Exercise machines

Why can't the exercise machine do 99% of the work for you?

Eve and Adam

In the politically correct world today, you should say Eve and Adam.

Enough is enough

Enough is enough is the most famous saying for life.

Nostalgia and memory loss

As you get older, nostalgia turns into memory loss.

Slippery slope

Life is a slippery slope. It is the only slope you can't climb back up on.

Nun law school

There is no law school for nuns because they never break the law.

Still young

You are still young if you eat breakfast anytime up to 12 noon.

Favorite songs

Once you look forward to hearing your favorite song in doctors offices, you know aging is setting in.

Look mature

You can't look mature when you are young. You can only fake it.

Using an umbrella

You know you are old when you are no longer ashamed to use an umbrella.

Wool over eyes

Forget people, sheep always have the wool pulled over their eyes.

Summer is over

Summer is officially over when your friends and neighbors return all the things they borrowed.

Age is a phone number

Age is just like a phone number, and mine is unlisted.

Retired husbands

The full time job for the wife now IS the retired husband.

Men know about women

The book Everything Men Know About Women was never written because there were not enough pages of information.

Don't leave doors open

Don't leave no doors open in life because someone may steal your car.

Borrow money from pessimists

Only borrow money from pessimists. They will never expect it back.

Scared to death

Scared to death does not work. With all the scary movies out, nobody would be alive.

Live forever

I intend to live forever. I'm doing good, unless you don't hear from me anymore.

Build future on high ground

Don't build your future on high ground. When you fall it will be far worse.

Expensive divorce

Divorce is so expensive because the better things in life cost more.

Taxidermists

Do taxidermists own any live pets?

Mad cow disease

How can there be a mad cow disease but no mad human disease?

Rehab

Rehab is not for winners, it is only for quitters.

Talking consciousness

If our consciousness could actually talk, it would call all of us stupid.

Suffer from insanity

Don't suffer from insanity. You only live once, enjoy it.

Health food store illness

I wonder what people think when a health food store has to close because of illness?

Walk in someone's shoes

You can walk in someone's shoes. Just go to a bowling alley and play.

Bad decisions

News media people have to be thankful for everyone making bad decisions or else they would be out of work.

War and peace

War and peace only go together when the other side says so.

Smart bombs forget

Do not always trust the smart bombs because they sometimes forget.

Five ways to tell a good restaurant

You know you are in a good restaurant if these do not happen.

1) The cooks all leave for their lunch.
2) Less than one person is sitting inside eating.
3) Discounts signs are up for lunch meals.
4) Take credit for meals.
5) Call you to remind you to come again.

Battle of the bulge wins

The bulge has defeated all of us in this world.

Five fun ways not to win millions

Fun ways to try to get to a million dollars that never work.

1) Play the lottery.
2) Play the horses.
3) Play slots in the casinos.
4) Invest in stocks.
5) Buying and selling houses.

Return envelopes

You can spot the bills in the mail easy. They are the letters with return envelopes.

Junk mail

You would think with the Internet and email today that regular postal mail would be down to a few pieces a week.

Weight off shoulders

Today people don't just need someone to take the weight off their shoulders, but every other part of their body also.

Earth weigh less

Just think how much less the Earth would weigh if everyone were normal weight.

Five pictures of you nobody wants to see online

Nobody really needs to see these pictures of yourself. Even more so if you are famous.

1) Nude pictures above the waist.
2) Nude pictures below the waist.
3) Old bodies that you think look young.
4) How you looked 40 years ago.
5) Flabby bodies.

Street court

The only court you should ever be in is on a street.

Most popular hobby

The most popular hobby in the world it seems is doing nothing.

Alien's hairstyle

I wonder what hairstyle aliens would have if they grew their hair?

Paint smell

If paint didn't have a bad smell, everyone would have nice walls in their homes.

Five things not to say before marriage

These are probably not best said before marriage.

1) Let's hope this works out.
2) I like to spend time with myself a lot.
3) I play video games.
4) I watch cartoons often.
5) I don't have much money.

Five things not to say on job interview

Don't ever tell them these things on the interview.

1) I need a nap in the afternoon to function.
2) I need Fridays off on most weeks for a three day weekend.
3) I use the full amount of sick days I am allowed.
4) I expect a raise, even if I don't do the job well.
5) Can I advance enough to take your job over?

Five ways to safe driving

Safe driving is easy if you avoid these.

1) Anyone that puts their hands or feet out the window while driving.
2) Anyone driving over the middle line on the road as if the line is not there.
3) Anyone driving 30 mph over the speed limit or more.
4) Anyone that looks like they lived two lifetimes already.
5) People who drive while looking to the right and talking to the passenger in the front seat are best avoided.

Five ways to live until 100

Living to 100 is easy.

1) Eat the foods that taste the worst, because they are most healthy.
2) Do the exercises that nobody can do.
3) Stop eating all the foods that taste good and everyone loves.
4) Throw the TV and computer out.
5) Live your entire life seeing doctors.

Five ways to find a job

A job is easy to find if you follow these rules.

1) Look for the jobs nobody wants to do.
2) Look for the lowest paying jobs.
3) Look for the jobs that don't pay overtime.
4) Look for the jobs that have no benefits.
5) Look for the dead end jobs that have no advancement.

Animal sense of humor

Why don't animals have a sense of humor?

Room temperature IQ

Some people's IQ never gets above room temperature.

Mistakes

You need people to make mistakes because it makes you feel smarter.

Ignorance is bliss

The entire would should be happy if ignorance is bliss.

Man's heart

The way to a man's heart is through his mouth. All you have to do is feed him.

Climbing mountains

I can climb mountains because I am going through life.

Fishing

I'm so bad at fishing, the fish would catch me instead.

Father-in-laws

Father-in-laws must be easier to put up with, since you only hear mother-in-law jokes.

Fat cells

Fat cells seem to outlive any brain cells.

Old cheese

Only with cheese is it cool to be aged.

Play on words

A play has to be on words. What else would it be on?

Death and taxes

Death and taxes are sure things; though death seems more permanent.

Gullible

Don't worry if you are gullible, because someone is always far more gullible, and they will make you look smart.

Government budgets

The best way to find a mistake is to look for a surplus. Then you found the mistake.

Forgiving

Why do people forgive someone? What is in it for them?

Imaginary friends

Do these imaginary friends live forever?

Best business

The best business is owning a funeral home. They have an endless supply of customers and get rich even in a terrible economy.

Rich funeral

Today you need to be rich, not just in life to get by, but to afford your funeral.

The fine print

To be happy when signing a contract, just don't ever read the fine print.

The facts

The facts are not important, as long as you win.

Red tape

Red tape holds up everything in life and yet it is never sold.

Leaning curve

For most, the learning curve is a lifelong curve.

Temporary tax

A temporary tax means a tax until death.

Career money

Nobody wants a career, they just want money.

War left

War only tells who is left standing, not who is right.

Swimming pools

A swimming pool is just a very, very nice and expensive bathtub.

Foreign film

Every film is a foreign film until you learn about it.

Divorce and single life

Single life is just like divorce. You are meeting new people all the time again.

Buffet

Why is a buffet good? You have to get up and do everything yourself.

Crossword

Why aren't crosswords as easy as some people are?

Never go to court

Do nothing in life so you never have to worry about going to court.

Your twin

Your twin is just you in another life.

Pay bills fast

Pay your current bills fast because more are coming soon.

New words

Go on the Internet to learn new words. You will learn words that don't even exist.

More overweight

You are not overweight. You can find someone easy today that weighs more than you.

Slow down

A slow down sign is needed on every road in the country.

Caution signs

Caution signs on parts of the road? Just getting INTO your car today you need a caution sign.

Escaping Universe

The Universe must be escaping someone, because it keeps moving and getting bigger.

3D TV for house people

3D TV was invented for people who never leave the house, so they can see what the world looks like.

Lost

Life is great until you realize you lost at it.

Taxi wheels

As long as all the wheels stay on the taxi, I am good.

Video game calories

Don't worry, I burn over 1,000 calories a day, playing video games.

Starting war

The only war worth starting is one that you will win.

Smarter aliens

Aliens are smarter than us. Nobody ever said that they smoke who has seen them.

Run

The best self-defense is to run, because it takes no skill.

Ringer off

With all the phones people have today, the best one is the one where the ringer is turned off.

Paint by numbers

Painting by numbers is not easy. How do you keep the paint in the numbers?

Answering machine guy

The most famous guy must be the one that sounds the same on all the answering machines.

Video gamers weight

The best way to gain weight is by being a video gamer.

Video gamers sweat

Video gamers don't break a sweat? They break a sweat when they have to get up to get water.

Beauty and people

Nobody has beauty because we are all animals.

Good noise

No noise is good noise because it is still noise.

Genius habits

A genius can have awful habits because they are a genius, so nobody cares.

The end

Everything is always okay in the end. Nothing else is after so what can go wrong?

Tattoos forever

Don't worry, tattoos are not forever. After you die, they disappear.

Tattoos

Tattoos are just colorful scars.

Pessimist life

A pessimist is just smarter. They know how bad life really is.

Laws don't work

Laws don't work, that's why we have lawyers.

The best laws

The best laws are the ones you can follow.

Most laws

Laws are good; except that most of them don't work.

Cooking at home

Nobody would go out to eat if they could cook well enough.

Fame and death

You don't need fame in life, because most people are more famous when they are dead.

On top of the world

With fame you are on top of the world, until you realize there are millions of other famous people.

Lost fame

Fame is great, until you loose it all.

Talking computer

If computers could talk, they would tell us to be smarter like them.

People brains

Computer brains are really people brains, that's why they crash all the time.

Smart computers

If computers are so smart, how come they never turn on us?

Photographic memory

Photographic memory is great, unless you can't remember the photographs.

Don't look on dates

Don't look at each other too much on dates. You will find flaws and the date will be over.

Shaving head

Someone shaving their head is just saying I don't want to go to the barber every two months anymore.

Aging penalty

Aging is the penalty for having too much fun in this life.

Live by the sword

If you live by just the sword, you will die by the gun.

Weekly sales

What is the big thing about weekly sales? They happen 52 times a year.

Life is fun

Life is fun until you realize how hard it is.

Life turns

Life has more turns in it than a backstreet road.

Drawstring pajamas

Drawstring pajamas are now standard because of the ever expanding waistlines.

People training

How come some people need more training than cats?

New York City driving rules

The rules are simple; good luck.

Clear conscience

A clear conscience does not exist. You probably just can't remember anything.

Doing well

You are doing really well in life if your taxes are more than your income.

Gossip first

The best way to find out the gossip first is to gossip even more.

Gossip

Gossip is the biggest force in the world, but it can take you out also sometimes.

Best hobby

The best hobby is actually something you are able to do.

I have a hobby

I have this great hobby... actually it is an addiction.

Bad afterlife

The afterlife is so bad that people who have passed on don't even want to come back and tell us about it.

Self defense

Self defense is a great idea... if it works.

Hearse lane

Can a hearse use a carpool lane?

Silence

Silence is golden, especially when you don't know the answer to something.

Read between the lines

Read between the lines or else you will know nothing.

Don't judge by relatives

Don't judge someone by their relatives, because they may actually be really nice.

Handicap parking

Most can park in handicap parking because stupidity IS a handicap.

Pessimists

A pessimists will never miss the money you borrowed from him.

Life is short

Life is short, so why bother trying too hard?

Physically fit

Everyone is physically fit if we stand next to someone who is out of shape.

Success

The secret to success is copying someone that already has it.

Speed limit

If you do the speed limit on a road today... you will get run over.

Optical illusion

There are no illusions, it is just that your eyes and brain do not know any better.

Anything too serious

Anything too serious can use a joke.

Being poor

The advantage of being poor is that when you just get a little bit of money, you are now considered rich.

Political jokes

Political jokes are funny. But how many political jokes are we going to keep electing?

Money isn't everything

Money isn't everything. You have credit cards also.

Willing people

The world is full of willing people; willing to not work.

Closed mouth

A closed mouth gets no flies.

Opportunities

Opportunities are great until you fail at them.

Handwriting on the wall

The only handwriting on the wall is in a public restroom.

End of world

The next date for the end of the world will be after enough people forget about the last failed prediction.

Your conscience

Just whose side is our conscience on? It tries to keep us from doing all the fun things in life.

Plan to fail

Nobody plans to fail. It just comes natural for some people.

Punctual people

Punctual people are the most boring. They have nothing to do but get to everyplace on time.

Perseverance

If perseverance were a race, we would all be long gone from heart attacks by now.

Santa's helpers

How come they never revolt? He must pay them a lot of money.

Sympathy cards

I wonder if they sell them also for anniversaries.

Boldly going nowhere

Most of us are boldly going... nowhere.

Massage palors

I found a great massage parlor, but it was self service.

Complete idiot

You have to be a complete idiot because there is no such thing as a half idiot.

Out of their mind

A lot of people are out of their mind. But just why can't they get back in it?

Nostalgia

Nostalgia is really starting to get old to me.

Work station

Your work station is more busy than most bus stations.

Good evening

Just why is there no bad evening greeting?

Nobody grows up

Nobody ever grows up, we just learn what not to do in public.

Idiots

Don't argue with an idiot. They have a lot more experience hanging out with other idiots which are the majority of people.

No trade in value

Life is the most precious, but yet it has no trade in value.

All the same

All husbands are the same really. Just keep the first and be happy.

Blame it on them

Cheer up. Whatever happened, just blame it on someone else and you will feel better.

Lame as a duck?

Ducks can move around pretty well and they can also fly.

Your own autopsy

I wonder if you can refuse your own autopsy?

Laughs last

He who laughs last has no sense of humor.

Piece of cake

Nothing is a piece of cake or everything would get done and eaten up.

Biggest mouths

People don't have the biggest mouths, rivers do.

Chickens like Bach

I guess chickens like Bach over Beethoven; Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach.

Patients

Doctors have more patients than anyone.

Stolen calendars

A thief who stole two calendars got 24 months.

Smart fish

Some fish are really smart, because they are always in schools.

Bigger baseball

If you are in the outfield and the ball is getting really big, look out, you are about to be hit.

Nominal fees

Just what does the word nominal mean to credit card companies?

No extra fees

There are no extra fees except for the ones you can't read in the super small print at the bottom of the letter.

Options galore

You have many options, except when it comes to life.

Old world charm

They must have meant the way the world was before humans.

Fixing the car

You only fixed the car problem if your hands are full of grease at the end. If not, try again.

Foolproof

Nothing is foolproof because everyone is a fool.

Jurors

Trust the smart jury? They were not smart enough though to get out of jury duty.

Change

The only change I want in life is from a vending machine.

Sextet

Sextet has to do with music. It has nothing to do with sex.

Protesters

If you annoy the other side, the goal has been achieved.

Gossip

Gossip is great as long as it is not about you.

Shinbone

Why is it the shinbone always gets bumped on furniture and that bone just happens to hurt the most?

Dead batteries

Need to find old batteries to throw out? Don't worry, they are all in the flashlights.

Cigarette smoke

We know that smoke comes out of a cigarette, but what is going in you is the real question.

Ashtrays

How can you smoke after seeing an ashtray?

Burned on the stove

Never mind getting burned on the stove, what about getting burned on a barbecue.

Flea markets

Why are flea markets always in run down locations rather than expensive malls?

Using voting machines

Nobody knows how to use a voting machine because they never teach you the hard things in school.

Cry underwater

If you cry underwater, I doubt anyone will know.

It's all right

People who say it's all right after someone runs into them with a shopping cart? Why is it all right, I am in pain?

Garbage bags

Isn't there a better way to find the end of the garbage bag that will open?

Close the fridge

There is no groundbreaking new food in the fridge. Close the door fast!

Mattresses on sale

Mattresses are always on sale because nobody ever buys them.

Feeling blue

If you are feeling blue, you are not breathing enough.

Best pet for noise

For the people who don't like noise but want a pet, the goldfish is always an option.

Fishing patience

The most patient people are fishers. If you can wait six hours for something to happen, you have patience.

We taste like

Do animals wonder what we taste like?

Multitasking

Reading in the bathroom and being on the bowl is not really multitasking.

Losing a husband

Losing a husband is hard for many. Sometimes they have to pay them to leave.

Money isn't everything

Money isn't everything, because you don't need it in heaven.

Enter heaven

Just how much can someone do and still get to go to heaven?

Confess

Just confess for your soul, because it will kill the job though.

Hard work

Hard work can kill, so why chance it?

Success

Redefine success if you can't succeed and then you will succeed.

What you eat

If we are all what we eat, all of us are gross.

Hard work

Don't worry, hard work pays off; for some.

Anyone can be president

The fact that anyone can be a president is a scary thought.

Big handle on life

For life today, you don't just need a handle on it, you need a dozen handles on it.

Guilt trip

The only trip I have ever taken is a guilt trip.

Time for old age

Old age should come when you are younger so you can handle it better.

Love is blind

If love is blind, why do so many people get a divorce?

Dog years

Most of us are already dead in dog years.

Beer gut

What exactly is in a beer gut?

Best diet foods

If a food taste awful, it is probably the healthy food.

Red tape

If red tape holds up everything including bridges, we should make it the new super tape.

Draw fire

They say to never draw fire in a war. Don't worry, I can't even draw a tree.

Don't be short

Don't be short on anything in a war except your height. You will have a bigger chance of being missed.

The best defense

The best defense in a war is to be out of range.

Smart bombs

Just what is the IQ level of smart bombs?

War teamwork

Teamwork is essential in wars. There is a better chance you will not be hit.

Friendly fire

Just how is any fire friendly in a war?

Roller coasters

Never mind the height, watch you don't lose your head on a roller coaster.

Arguments

The worst part of an argument is when you realize you are actually wrong.

Gas in space

What would happen if someone has gas in space?

Egocentric

I'm not egocentric. I just think that I am better than most.

World stage

If the entire world is a stage, that means you have no audience to listen to you.

Back to the drawing boards

I wonder what they went back to before they had drawing boards?

Age and maturity

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity and smarts. I rather be young and know little.

Intoxicated

In the strange world today, I can hardly notice when someone is intoxciated or not intoxciated.

Naked turtle

Is a turtle without a shell a naked turtle?

Work is hard

They may not admit it the employers, but if work were not work, why would they pay you?

Downhill ski

I wonder if you can just ski for the view even if you don't ski.

As seen on TV

If you seen it on TV, you will know it never works like ON TV.

Bowling alleys

A bowling alley is so quiet you don't just hear one pin drop, you can hear 100 drop at once.

Tailgaters

Do tailgaters really just like you or are they annoyed with you?

Ignorant people

Ignorant people are only ignorant because of smarter people.

Bathroom sounds

Please close the bathroom door. Bathroom sounds should never be heard by the general population.

Ping pong running

With all the chasing after a ping pong ball, why not take up track and field?

Disease free

People who don't cover their mouth while sneezing or coughing, I guess are disease free.

Garbage can score

If those people can get the garbage in the garbage can with a toss each time, why aren't they playing basketball?

Fashion sense

Who needs a fashion sense today? Look at the clothes some people wear.

Expert witness

Nobody is an expert witness. Who has experience getting on the witness stand all the time?

Cutting class

If so many cut class, why don't they hold class outside?

Cookie rules

The main rule of eating cookies is that you should eat them before someone else gets to them.

Checkbooks

Nobody needs a checkbook today because they have no money left.

Caught in the act

With so many people in the world today, who won't be caught in the act?

Car warning

Any warning stickers on cars should be "you probably will go broke buying this".

They will come

They will come if you build it. But today, only people with money will come if you build it.

Broken ribs

The only broken ribs most people have is not in the food, but going over the handlebars of their bike as a kid.

Latest ties

Don't worry about buying the latest tie. None of them ever go out of style it seems.

Biker

I am a biker also. I have a 10 speed I bought for $100.

Mealtime blessing

Mealtime? In the world today, we need a lifetime blessing.

Last wish

Don't complain about someone's last wish. Imagine if someone listed all of their wishes, the list would be a mile long.

Living large

Today, living large does not mean money, it just means you are overweight.

Lumberjack wanted

They are wanted because nobody can do the job for more than 30 seconds.

The love boat

Just where is this boat?

Lottery winner

Don't worry who won the big lottery. You know it has to be someone who spent just $1 and doesn't need the money.

Literature class

A literature class online is all in slang so the Internet generation can understand it.

Lesson to remember

The problem is not understanding the lesson to remember, but how do you remember?

Can't handle their drink

Why is it a shock that some people can't handle their drinks? All of them taste awful.

Never answer phones

People who never answer the phones just get a phone to see how popular they are, not to talk to anyone.

Talking loud on public transportation

But how can anyone hear you if you talk low?

Hot as hell

I think hell is hotter than any hot day here.

Golf balls

The problem I have in golf is not seeing the hole, but not being able to see the ball.

Culture shock

In the world today, you just have to step outside of your house for a culture shock.

Penny talk

If a penny could talk, it would say "why am I so poor?".

Laundry tips

The only tip you need for laundry is how to get it done faster.

Talking animals

Do we really want animals talking to us? Do we want to be told we are insane every day?

Cow bells

Why do cows need bells? Who can't hear them mooooooooooo?

Army ants

Army ants should be in the army. The name fits, and they can march in a straight line also.

Pet peeves

Shouldn't pet peeves mean peeves by the pet rather than the person?

Two faced

Some people are just like black and white zebras; two faced.

Meals on wheels

Shouldn't all meals be served like this to all ages?

Two little snakes

Isn't any snake really TOO big?

Pig farmer

The job of a farmer is so dirty, isn't everyone called a pig farmer?

Feeling small

Don't worry if you feel small. The ant feels smaller than anyone.

$1 bills

The $1 bills may be phased out because all people have now is loose change.

Flip a coin

Flip a coin and try to guess it right. That is the chance your life will work out great.

Wise old man

I don't know about others, but I rather just be wise.

Vet bills

Vet bills are so high today people are asking their cats and dogs to chip in for the bill.

Layaway plan

Today, a layaway plan is 100 years to start with.

Beat the casino

The only people that beat the casino is the casino itself.

Bank on it

Today, you can't even bank on the bank.

Sex education

This class is not taught anymore because you now have the Internet.

Jock vs nerd

I don't know, both words seem like you would not want to be in either group.

Safest taxis

The safest taxis are the ones where nobody is in it but you.

Taxi nail biters

The best taxi drivers are the ones where their nails are not being bitten on by their teeth.

Taxi fare

No taxi fare is fair.

Class stress relief

The best relief for classroom stress is not to go to class.

Twenty lifetimes

I need to live at least twenty lifetimes. I'm trying to win the lottery.

Economy first aid

In this economy, everyone is on life support and needs first aid.

Loser

You are not the biggest loser. Just go out in public and there are people that are even more of a loser.

Teacher's pet

Why does the teacher just not get an actual pet instead?

Dogs and cats

Dogs and cats are just like men and women. Neither group gets along for long.

College dorms

The first rule of a college dorm room is to get your own room.

Happy babies

Every baby is happy because they don't know yet how bad the world really is.

Sex ed

The only Ed some people know is sex ed.

Fast time

Time goes by so fast so you won't have time to think about how old you are getting.

No vocals

The best business to be in today is music. Even if you can't sing, you can still be famous.

Bigger TV sets

The sizes of TV sets keep getting bigger because peoples vision keeps getting worse.

Winning elections

The secret to winning elections is to promise everything and deliver nothing. Then you repeat the process to get reelected.

The vice president

Notice how every president always picks a vice president that is not as smart as them.

Speech practice

The only reason why people want to run for president is because they are majoring in public speaking.

Smartest president

There is no smartest president. Why would anyone smart take that job?

Gambling problem

My gambling problem is that I have not won yet.

Problem child

Every child is a problem child because they are still a child.

Naval jargon

Naval jargon? Nobody understands regular jargon.

Secret formula

Here is the secret formula for life; get lucky.

Six pack

The only six pack most people have is not on their stomach, but in the fridge.

Tests

The fact that you are taking a test means you know nothing yet on the subject.

Oldies radio stations

Now the entire radio is just called an oldie.

Olympic nurses

Olympic nurses must be champion nurses.

Live forever

Don't look at the biggest lottery odds, because those are the same odds that you will live forever.

Old photos

Every photo you take becomes an old photo over the years.

The old couple

The old couple will include everyone sooner or later.

Oil change

When will they finally invent cars that change their own oil.

Office irritants

Office irritants? Everything in the office is an irritant. It is work.

Not to worry

Not to worry? I guess you don't know what lies ahead in life.

Nutritious eating

Nutritious eating is possible? Did you ever see the ingredients in foods?

Not feeling well

If you are not feeling well, just forget how old you are and you will cheer up.

Nose rings

I wonder if anyone ever tied a rope to a nose ring and park someone and mistake them as a horse?

The penny shine

The penny is not as shiny because it is not worthy of shine. It is only worth one cent.

100th birthday

They don't sell candles for three digits because after 100, does it really matter any more how old you are?

Nice try

Nice try means you lost or missed. So what is nice about that?

The new librarian

Every new librarian I have seen is not new but old.

Hats

Why does everyone worry about going bald? That's why hats were invented.

Native tongue

How can someone have a native tongue? All tongues look the same to me.

Nail biters

In today's crazy world, I bet the nail biters had to move on to toe nails now also.

Check your bills

Be sure to check all of your bills. You might find out you own even more.

Caution signs

Caution signs should be used for life also, not just on the roads.

Car alarms

Remember, car alarms only work if someone stealing the car is not deaf.

Buying grades

The economy is so bad today that even buying grades is now on credit.

Concentrating

Concentrating on something is a good idea. But how do you concentrate on concentrating?

Complaints

You will always have complaints in life unless the person does the job themselves.

By the book

Live life by the book. But just where is this book?

Break a rib

If you break a rib, don't worry, because there are plenty more of them.

Too much money

If you have too much money, just go to a casino, and you will never see it again.

Bicycles

The bicycle is the poor man's version of a motorcycle.

Curiosity

Curiosity is really good. Too bad nobody ever learns from it.

Your blessings

Count your blessings... if you can think of any.

Anesthesia for life

They have an anesthesia for operations but how come none for life?

Taste alwful

Just invent something that taste awful and you will be rich. Look at how well alcohol sells.

Authority

Authority only rules if people accept the authority that is in charge.

Addicted to coffee

Addicted to coffee? Aren't there better things to be addicted to?

Advice

Why ask anyone for advice? Nobody knows what they are doing anyway.

Admittance to heaven

Looking at how most people live their life, I guess nobody is worried about going to heaven.

Bad weather

If bad weather days didn't exist, you wouldn't know how good the good weather days are.

Mistakes

Every mistake is an accident in life. Who is perfect?

Party in heaven

Everyone must be having a party in heaven, since we never hear from them.

Different drinks

If you go to a bar and do not know what a drink is by taste, don't worry, neither do most people.

Wine secret

The big wine secret is that all wine just about tastes the same.

Wallpaper

The easiest wallpaper to put on a wall is the wallpaper that comes with the house.

Old vision

Vision gets worse as you get older so you can't see how old you are getting.

Teething

Teething is a preview of the pain that is to come in life.

Teaching math

How can someone teach math when nobody fully understands it?

Artists and scientists

Artists and scientists are two things we will never be.

Revenge

Revenge is sweet, unless you lose.

Professional photographer

The good thing about the Internet and photography is that now everyone is a professional photographer.

Animal trainers

Let me know the first professional animal trainer that can train human animals.

Afterlife is better

Of course the afterlife is better. How can it be any worse?

Impossible

Nothing is impossible, except for the things you can never do in a million years.

Computer language

How can people learn a computer language when they can't even understand the English language?

Blind dates

After some blind dates, people wish they had been blind.

Salons

A salon is just an expensive place you are getting a haircut in.

Avid golfer

You are not an avid golfer. You just play golf so much because you can't learn the game.

Basements

A basement is below the main floor because that is what you feel like when you live down there; down and under.

Back to school

The only time you want to go back to school is not after the summer, but when you are finished with school and older.

Cures

If bug spray generally does not work, then how do you expect anyone to cure diseases?

Observant

Don't listen to people who say to be observant in life. You will know how bad everything really is.

Experts on children

Everyone is an expert on children because we all were children once.

Crazy people

Cats look at us weird because they think that WE are the crazy ones.

Old furniture

If antique furniture means old furniture, then we are all rich.

Life on Mars

There is no intelligent life on Mars. Why would anyone want to live this close to us?

Life after death

I'll let you know if there is life after death. Oh wait... I won't be here anymore.

Living large

Living large is fun until you are old and find out the living is ending soon.

Long walks

Every walk is a long walk, since most people can't even walk a few thousand feet without passing out.

Free food

Children and teens are always hungry because that is the only time in life where you can get free food.

TV repairs

The reason why TV repairs never work is because it is impossible to find where anything is inside a set.

Transplants

Waiting for a transplant is like waiting to win the lottery. You are doomed from the start.

Fractions

You can learn fractions if you just know a fraction of the information.

Snowed in

You have to be snowed IN. Is there a snowed OUT?

College funds

A college fund is nice to start, until you realize you need like 20 of them to actually afford to go.

Back to school cure

The cure for someone that hates going back to school after the summer is to just have school year round so you never go back.

Child's play

The only things that are child's play are things for a child.

Slow camels

The camel is the future of us all. We will all walk as slow as them one day.