Courage

I have a lot of courage as long as nobody else is around me.

Other side of rainbow

They say money is on the other side of a rainbow. It is also impossible to get to the other side of a rainbow.

Defeat fate

How do you defeat fate? We are all gone sooner or later unless we do.

Free thought

With all the crazy things some people do in the world, free thought should be an earned privilege.

Pronunciation

You need help pronouncing words if you can't spell pronunciation to start with.

Fire a boss

You CAN fire a boss if you become your own boss.

Political landscape

The political landscape here is worse than a botched landscaping job.

Closest to heaven

The closest people to heaven are those who build skyscrapers.

Best at raising eyebrows

The people best at raising eyebrows are plastic surgeons.

Counter productive

Counter productive can be good if your job is behind a counter all day.

Basic food groups

For some reason, some people never got the memo that there are other food groups besides the ones that fats and sugars are in.

Repair a $5.00 radio

The cheapest fix for a broken $5 radio is another cheap $5 radio.

Jokes through email

Send your bad jokes through email. Your feelings will never be hurt, since they can't laugh in front of you anyway.

Christmas is for kids

And the adults who never grew up get the most gifts, so I am set for life.

In space

I saw so many Star Trek episodes I thought I was in space. Wait... we already are in space.

Dancing butt out

You don't have to know how to dance today. Just stick your butt out and you will be known all over.

Dancing greats

To someone who doesn't know anything about dancing, everyone looks exactly the same.

Celebrate first birthday

I only celebrate my first birthday; when I was the youngest. The others I didn't want to since I gradually got older.

Families

We all have a family even if you don't have a family because the human race is the largest one.

Fighting

You need fighting in life in order to have the word victory.

Easy generosity

Did you notice it is much easier to be generous when you actually have money?

Live forever but high unemployment

You can't live forever though, because the unemployment rate would be way high with all the funeral people out of jobs.

Making good

I'm good in life to start with, so I never have to worry about making good.

Efficiency

Efficiency is only experimental science. Nothing can ever be 100% efficent in life.

Lots of ambition

Lots of ambition is important only if you want to be somebody, otherwise save the energy.

Common sense

Common sense is only important to have if other people around you are smarter than you.

Best thing about being a kid

The best thing about being a kid is the fact that you ARE a kid.

Run away from reality

The only way to run away from reality is to live in an alternate Universe that has unreality.

Become famous overnight

The best way today to become famous overnight is to make people think you have talent when you don't.

If I were a billionaire

If I were a billionaire, I would know I am in my second life. It sure isn't happening in this one.

If you could read minds

If we could read minds, fights would increase once we find out what people really think about us.

If no coffee

If there were no coffee, car accidents would go up by thousands of percent each morning.

Dating on a dime

You need more like 500 dimes to afford a date today.

Don't dream big

Don't dream big. Most things you get in life will be small.

I'm so poor

I'm so poor, I had to take out a loan to pay an overdue loan.

Kindness today

Kindness is not too common today, so you can save a lot of time trying to be.

I'm thankful for...

I'm thankful for not being even more poorer than I already am.

The art of babysitting

The art of babysitting isn't an exact science, but since it is so hard, someone should make it be.

The perfect pet

The perfect pet is one that takes care of itself.

Goofy humor

Goofy humor is all humor. You are either goofy or serious.

Humor in the landscape

Humor is in the landscape because the Earth is full of people.

Fairy tales

Fairy tales come true only for the people in the fairy tale.

Empty zoo cages

The last place you want to see an empty cage is at the zoo.

Good dreams

Good dreams are the dreams that will never come true in real life.

Discouraged

Discouraged about life? I'm more discouraged I can't win the lottery yet.

A dash of humor

A dash of humor are jokes served around dinner time with the salt and pepper.

Trouble breathing

The only time I ever had trouble breathing was before I was born.

Fishing at retirement

Fishing is the perfect sport for retirement. You are doing something and nothing at the same time.

Self mocking humor

With self mocking humor, I have an unlimited supply of jokes.

Humor and family drama

Humor and family drama are a match. The more family drama you have the better the jokes will be.

Humor abuse

Humor abuse is continuously telling someone bad jokes.

Tough decisions in life

Have an easy life so you avoid tough decisions.

Investing strategy

The best investing strategy today is not to invest in anything.

At my best

I am at my best when I am doing something I can actually do. So I am not at my best most of the time.

That important?

Nobody you talk to is that important unless they have a holiday named after them.

My hockey injury

I'm so bad at hockey, that I got injured by hitting myself with the stick.

Free advice

If someone is giving you advice for free, it can't be that good. They would charge you if it was really that great.

Golf ball color

Golf balls are white so you can find them easier when they go in the woods on each hole.

Opportunities

Great opportunities only come around once... or never for 99% of people.

The best opportunity

The best opportunity in life comes to those who inherit millions of dollars.

Soap operas

If everyone had an interesting life, soap operas would not exist.

Gardening

Gardening is usually a failed attempt to show creativity.

Folding chairs

Folding chairs are great. They save space and give you exercise at the same time by constantly having to open and close them.

The worst intentions

The worst intentions are only bad if they actually work out.

Seesaw

The seesaw of someone with a bad life does not go up too easy.

Liven up a party

The best way to liven up a party is by showing up.

Size zero

Size zero only matters until a size -1 is invented.

Rest of the world views Americans

The rest of the world views Americans with a telescope because we are so far away.

Politically correct in daily life

It is easy to be politically correct in daily life. Just don't say anything other than hello or goodbye.

Take life seriously

Take life seriously and study. It may continue on after this one and then you won't know anything in the next life either.

Quiet world

Make the world a quiet place; invent telepathy.

Tension and humor

Tension and humor... waiting to see if the audience will laugh at your joke.

Lose memories

Don't worry about not being able to lose bad memories. You will be lucky to remember ANY memory when you get old.

Sense of humor

I don't need a sense of humor. I am funny enough without one.

Policy and humor

Policy and humor go together well. You need humor as a president when you have a terrible policy.

Food ingredients

Food ingredients are not meant to be understood. If you understood them, you wouldn't buy anything.

Blood type

My blood type is listed under "tired".

Honesty is the best policy

Honesty is the best policy only if the other person follows this same policy.

Biggest risk

My biggest risk in life is everything. It is life itself.

Change careers

If I could change careers tomorrow, I would decided to actually have one.

Crashing parties

I don't know how to crash a party, since I have never been to any.

Old goats

I don't know, but as I get older, I rather be called an old goat than and old geezer.

No diet and no exercise

No diet and no exercise makes it a fun day.

New trends

Don't worry about following new trends. They are soon old trends.

Being let down

I prevent friends from letting me down by not having any.

Crying to get something

Crying doesn't work to get something as a kid. I already tried it hundreds of times; I have nothing.

My favorite costume

My favorite costume is my clothes. They are so old that they look like a costume to most people.

Most important meal of the day

The most important meal of the day should be any meal that has pizza being served.

Old hangouts

Tired of old hangouts? Just don't visit them for 20 years and they will become new hangouts.

Sarcastic humor

Sarcastic humor is delivered by sarcastic people.

My humor campaign

My long humor campaign is to make people think I am actually funny. I have extended my campaign for the tenth time.

Zipper dangers

Due to differences in body design for men and women, zippers on pants are far more dangerous for men.

Bad wallpaper

Every wallpaper is bad. There is always someone who doesn't like the design.

A unique home

A unique home today is one that is not in foreclosure.

Shoe shiners

Shoe shiners are out of work today because nobody wears shiney shoes anymore.

Bosses job

I would love my bosses job, but he just lost his too.

Life after midnight

Midnight is great. It means you made it to another day.

Dog house

The only dog house most people know is after a divorce.

Walking on water

I walked on water a few times, but it was frozen water.

Internet junkies

The main side effect of Internet junkies are good to bad to worse eyesight.

Heimlich maneuver

Never mind perform it. Nobody even knows how to spell it.

Double negative

The only double negative I know is my savings account balance.

At the racetrack

The racetrack is just like real life. You sometimes win but mostly lose at things.

Risk taking

Risk taking is something you only do when you know you have a chance of accomplishing it.

People I will never forget

The only person I will never forget is me. I know myself better than anyone.

Old address book

I have an old address book which by now is probably filled with old people.

Bungee jumping

I tried to bunjee jump once but went backward instead of forward to safety.

Toilet seats

You can't have a toilet seat that is too clean. Nobody would want to use it then.

Small mistakes

Everything is a small mistake in life unless it involves money. Then you will probably go bankrupt.

Truth of life

The main truth of life is that you will not be here very long.

Potential jurors

Everyone is a potential juror. It isn't like anyone actually volunteers for this job.

Play house

Kids today don't play house. They play the school.

Hearing off aid

I don't need a hearing aid in public. I need an aid to turn hearing off.

Still 19

I stopped counting my age at 19. I don't understand how 2 for 20 comes after 9.

Growing up

Growing up is hard. That is why I'm not doing it and refuse.

GPA

I never knew what a GPA was in college so I couldn't tell anyone. Now that I know and saw my score, I make sure THEY don't know it.

Best golf club

Never mind a 1 wood. I have to go down to a -1 wood to get extra distance.

Gas mileage

I got great gas mileage on my car by not using it.

Things I can't afford

I made my list shorter by just listing the things I CAN afford.

Counter productive

Can someone that makes kitchen counters ever be counter productive?

I like bowling

I like bowling because you can be totally out of shape and still win a game against someone.

Men watch TV

Men don't WATCH the TV set. They watch the women who are on the TV.

Divorce video

You don't need a divorce video like you do a wedding video. Just watch the wedding video backward. There is your divorce.

Marriage fights

At least when you are married and fighting, you are fighting with someone you know rather than some stranger.

Bureaucracy rule

The main bureaucracy rule; work as slow as you want because nothing actually gets done anyway.

Main rule for work

The main rule for work is to show up so you don't get fired.

Rookies

Why wouldn't someone want to be called a rookie? It means you are young.

Retire rich

It is easy to retire rich. Just move to a country where nobody has any money and you will be rich.

A new greeting

The perfect greeting for people who you don't want to talk to; "hello, goodbye".

Folding laundry

I folded laundry so much that I got to hate clothes. Now I never buy any new ones.

Athletic fun

The only athletic fun I ever had was playing my golf video game.

Most fun small town

The most fun small town is probably where nobody lives, and the animals have it free all to themselves.

Toddler soccer

Toddler soccer is a lot of fun. Because even if you do terrible, you won't know it at that age.

Fun and games

Life is fun and games... usually up to age 10 only.

Cover letters

My job resume cover letter was short. I have no idea what a cover letter is so I had none.

Renaissance man

I am a renaissance man, I like old things.

Relationship accident

A relationship is always planned. It is only called an accident if it doesn't work out.