Bank holidays

I never observe bank holidays because I have no money.

Old mattress

My mattress is so old that my body print IS now the mattress.

Aged so fast

I aged so fast that it felt like I was never here to begin with.

Three breakfasts

My memory is failing so fast that I wound up having three breakfasts in one day.

The cane

The cane was invented to pull people like me off the stage. But I never even made it to the stage.

Set my clock back

I'm so old, I set my clock back two hours instead of one for daylight savings time, just to slow the aging even more.

High air miles

High air miles mean you just spent a lot of time doing nothing.

Lucky luck

Luck only comes to those who are lucky.

Airport test

An airport is just a test to see if you know your surroundings.

Old tree

I'm so old that people thought I WAS a tree.

Energy to rock

Rocking chairs don't work as you get older because you need energy to rock.

Old address book

My old address book IS just addresses. The people aren't here anymore.

Goats and aging

I'm such an old goat now, that even the goats don't want to be around me.

Cure for aging

I found the cure for aging. Become a robot.

Money and nursing homes

Work hard you entire life so you have enough money when you get older. Nursing homes are expensive these days.

Age and aliens

I'm so old, aliens think I created the Earth.

Birth certificate

I'm so old, that I didn't hide my birth certificate, I burned it.

Third life

I'm so old, I just started my third life last month.