Computer language

How can people learn a computer language when they can't even understand the English language?

Blind dates

After some blind dates, people wish they had been blind.

Salons

A salon is just an expensive place you are getting a haircut in.

Avid golfer

You are not an avid golfer. You just play golf so much because you can't learn the game.

Basements

A basement is below the main floor because that is what you feel like when you live down there; down and under.

Back to school

The only time you want to go back to school is not after the summer, but when you are finished with school and older.

Cures

If bug spray generally does not work, then how do you expect anyone to cure diseases?

Observant

Don't listen to people who say to be observant in life. You will know how bad everything really is.

Experts on children

Everyone is an expert on children because we all were children once.

Crazy people

Cats look at us weird because they think that WE are the crazy ones.

Old furniture

If antique furniture means old furniture, then we are all rich.

Life on Mars

There is no intelligent life on Mars. Why would anyone want to live this close to us?

Life after death

I'll let you know if there is life after death. Oh wait... I won't be here anymore.

Living large

Living large is fun until you are old and find out the living is ending soon.

Long walks

Every walk is a long walk, since most people can't even walk a few thousand feet without passing out.

Free food

Children and teens are always hungry because that is the only time in life where you can get free food.

TV repairs

The reason why TV repairs never work is because it is impossible to find where anything is inside a set.

Transplants

Waiting for a transplant is like waiting to win the lottery. You are doomed from the start.

Fractions

You can learn fractions if you just know a fraction of the information.

Snowed in

You have to be snowed IN. Is there a snowed OUT?

College funds

A college fund is nice to start, until you realize you need like 20 of them to actually afford to go.

Back to school cure

The cure for someone that hates going back to school after the summer is to just have school year round so you never go back.

Child's play

The only things that are child's play are things for a child.

Slow camels

The camel is the future of us all. We will all walk as slow as them one day.

Animals look

Animals look at us strangely because they wonder how the human race is still alive after thousands of years.

Sleeping at work

You weren't sleeping at work, you were just praying.

Monday off

Having Monday off from work will not do any good, because you will then just hate Tuesday when you have to go back to work.

Don't give up dreams

Never give up on a dream... wait... there is only so much time left, hurry.

Accepting you

You don't need someone willing to accept you in life. You need someone willing to put up with you.

Insanity suffer

How can you SUFFER from insanity? They have an advantage of not knowing how bad everything really is in the world.

Work hard

You have to work hard so the millions of people who don't work can afford to live.

Crazy Earth

Earth is where the Universe put all of the crazy people.

Not born smart

People are not born smart in order to not know how bad life really is.

Over the hill

It is always best to be over the hill rather than under one.

Handicap parking

Everyone has some handicap in life, that's why everyone parks in handicap parking.

Music to life

If everyone had music playing to their life, it would be a constant requiem.

Smiling people

The people that smile all the time just don't know what is going on in the world.

Take life seriously

Don't take life too seriously, because you will not get out alive anyway.

Handle on life

The only handles that people have is not on life but love handles on their stomachs.

Ready made dough

The ready made dough for cookies is for the 99% of us who can't bake.

Picked the wrong guy

Don't worry if you marry the wrong guy, just believe in reincarnation and you will have plenty of more chances at it.

Taller than you

Self defense is good to know, until you see the other guy is taller than you, then just run.

Faster Internet speeds

Why do they keep making the Internet speed faster? What are we all downloading, all the worlds history?

Terrible economy

Don't worry, the economy can always be worse. On second thought... maybe it can't be.

Sales?

There is really no such thing as a sale because everything is still expensive anyway.

First aid mistake

Nobody gives first aid, because if they do CPR wrong, THEY are the one who will be dead instead.

Life pass you by

Why not let life pass you by? The chance of getting rich is almost 0%.

Everyone will feel good

When poor becomes IN rather than rich, then 99% of the population will finally feel good.

I'm so poor

I'm so poor, that I am not just a penny pincher, I am also a nickle, dime, and quarter pincher too.

Fast life

My life went by so fast that I didn't even know it started yet.

Two feet in

I'm so old, I don't have one foot in the grave, I have two.

Taking orders

If people don't like to take orders, then why do they get married?

Grass on Earth

There has to be grass on the Earth. What would you sit on?

Safest animal in a zoo

The safest animal in a zoo is the one that looks like it won't kill you.

Arguing

If arguing shows low intelligence, we are all dumb.