Six feet under

A prolonged bad economy has now even put the grave diggers six feet under.

Best college

The best college to go to is one where you can actually pass the classes.

Old and bills

Having a lot of bills if you are old keeps you good at math by writing out checks all the time.

The best art

If you don't understand art, don't worry, because the best art is the paintings that you would think are not art.

Bad at math

It is best if you are not good at math, this way you won't realize that it is impossible to save $1 million dollars in your life.

Antique furniture

If your furniture is old and can't afford newer furniture, just say you like collecting antique furniture.

Dumb down

Computers were invented to make us all feel a little dumber than we already are.

The smartest teachers

The smartest teachers in college are the ones who teach subjects you can't understand.

Expensive IQ test

College is the most expensive and longest IQ test you will ever take.

Older fashions are in

If you have no money for new clothes all the time, just wear your old clothes from 20 years ago and tell people the older fashions are now in.

Don't look good

If you don't look as good as you like to, just go out in public and look at other people, you will feel better.

Height fear

If you are afraid of heights, don't worry, at least you will never be stuck in a roller coaster upside down.

Halloween teeth

Having bad teeth is great for Halloween because you will save money on not having to make your teeth look scary.

Pay to be scared

Why pay to be scared on a roller coaster when you can turn on the news and be scared for free?

Escape reality

What is the best job to escape reality? Acting, because every day is a new adventure and life.

Don't look up to me

If you don't want anybody looking up to you in life, just stay short and poor.

Can't lose much

The best thing about not being rich is that you can't lose very much since you already have nothing.

Power of the remote

People use the TV remote so much because that is as close as they will get to feel like they are in command of the Enterprise.

Chess

Chess is the civil way of destroying someone.

Age and sitting down

You know you are getting older when sitting down and getting up on the toilet seat is a workout.

Monopoly riches

Monopoly is as close to getting rich as 99.9% of us will ever get.

Can't remember age

You are aging when you can't remember how old you are without thinking about it first.

Birthday candles and age

You are getting older when blowing out birthday cake candles feels like running a marathon.

Age and birthday candles

You know you are getting older when the birthday number candles don't go up as high as your age.

Hard tax code

The tax code is hard to understand, because if it were easy, everyone would be taking all deductions.

College fund

A college fund is great to start, until you realize you can't save enough money for even the cheapest colleges.

Great art

The best people to show your paintings to are people who know nothing about art, because they will believe anything you show them is art.

Airline food

Airline food does not have to taste great, because where are you going to go to get other food up there?

Bad memory

If you have a bad memory and a bad life, at least you'll remember as little of it as you can.

Contact lenses

Contact lenses were invented so people would stop saying you wear glasses all the time.

Exercise and golf

Don't worry if you are a terrible golfer, just think of all the exercise you will get finding the lost balls in the trees.

Answering machines

Why do all the pre-recorded messages that come with answering machines all sound like the same guy?

Actors

If you date an actor, how do know if they are ever lying about something? They are an actor.

Age and camels

Don't worry if you slow down with age, just look at how camels move and you'll feel better.

Curious people

The phone company knows people are curious in life, so why not make money off it by inventing Caller Id?

Be a clown

If people always laugh at you, get paid for it by becoming a circus clown.

No time for pets

Get a pet according to your lifestyle. For 99% of us, that means a pet that can do most everything on its own.

Barbecue expert

The more smoke you make when cooking on the barbecue, the more people around you will actually think you know how to cook.

Cafeteria food

The reason why cafeteria food does not taste good is because they know you didn't bring lunch and have no choice but to eat what they have.

High school reunions

If you are older and out of shape when going to a high school reunion, don't worry, someone there always looks far worse than you look.

Roller coaster highs

The small roller coasters are a good test to see if someone is afraid of heights. The biggest ones test if they are crazy.

Still thrilled about coffee

How can people still be excited about having coffee in the morning? Doesn't the thrill wear off after 30 years?

Can't sing

Don't worry if you can't sing, because there are loads of other jobs. Unfortunately 99% of them all pay less.

The return envelope

If you get mail that comes with a return envelope, you know you owe something, and usually it is money.

The oldest computer

You can tell easy if someone's computer is old by seeing if their O/S came out 10 years ago.

Age and wisdom

Wisdom comes with old age, but I rather be younger and less smart.

Move that furniture

Don't worry if your furniture is old, at least it will be cheaper to move if you ever sell your house, since all you have to do is throw the furniture out.

The best TV

Finding the best TV set is easy. The best TV sets are the ones that are never on sale.

Expensive graves

Why should I spend a fortune on a grave? It is not like I will live to enjoy it anyway.

The best chair

You can tell the best and most expensive chair in someone's house easily. It is the one you are never offered to sit on.

Future clothes sizes

The largest size clothes are always in the store because they are preparing for what will soon be the future norm.

Bills on Monday

The best day to get bills in the mail is on Monday. It forces you to work hard all week after you find out how much you owe.

The best exercise

The best exercise is one that you can actually do long enough to get a benefit from.

The best gamer

Just play the game you are the best at all the time with other people. Then nobody will know you can't win at anything else.

The most exercise

The most exercise some people get is when they put new batteries in the TV remote.