Courage

I have a lot of courage as long as nobody else is around me.

Other side of rainbow

They say money is on the other side of a rainbow. It is also impossible to get to the other side of a rainbow.

Defeat fate

How do you defeat fate? We are all gone sooner or later unless we do.

Free thought

With all the crazy things some people do in the world, free thought should be an earned privilege.

Pronunciation

You need help pronouncing words if you can't spell pronunciation to start with.

Fire a boss

You CAN fire a boss if you become your own boss.

Political landscape

The political landscape here is worse than a botched landscaping job.

Closest to heaven

The closest people to heaven are those who build skyscrapers.

Best at raising eyebrows

The people best at raising eyebrows are plastic surgeons.

Counter productive

Counter productive can be good if your job is behind a counter all day.

Basic food groups

For some reason, some people never got the memo that there are other food groups besides the ones that fats and sugars are in.

Repair a $5.00 radio

The cheapest fix for a broken $5 radio is another cheap $5 radio.

Jokes through email

Send your bad jokes through email. Your feelings will never be hurt, since they can't laugh in front of you anyway.

Christmas is for kids

And the adults who never grew up get the most gifts, so I am set for life.

In space

I saw so many Star Trek episodes I thought I was in space. Wait... we already are in space.

Dancing butt out

You don't have to know how to dance today. Just stick your butt out and you will be known all over.

Dancing greats

To someone who doesn't know anything about dancing, everyone looks exactly the same.

Celebrate first birthday

I only celebrate my first birthday; when I was the youngest. The others I didn't want to since I gradually got older.

Families

We all have a family even if you don't have a family because the human race is the largest one.

Fighting

You need fighting in life in order to have the word victory.

Easy generosity

Did you notice it is much easier to be generous when you actually have money?

Live forever but high unemployment

You can't live forever though, because the unemployment rate would be way high with all the funeral people out of jobs.

Making good

I'm good in life to start with, so I never have to worry about making good.

Efficiency

Efficiency is only experimental science. Nothing can ever be 100% efficent in life.

Lots of ambition

Lots of ambition is important only if you want to be somebody, otherwise save the energy.

Common sense

Common sense is only important to have if other people around you are smarter than you.

Best thing about being a kid

The best thing about being a kid is the fact that you ARE a kid.

Run away from reality

The only way to run away from reality is to live in an alternate Universe that has unreality.

Become famous overnight

The best way today to become famous overnight is to make people think you have talent when you don't.

If I were a billionaire

If I were a billionaire, I would know I am in my second life. It sure isn't happening in this one.

If you could read minds

If we could read minds, fights would increase once we find out what people really think about us.

If no coffee

If there were no coffee, car accidents would go up by thousands of percent each morning.

Dating on a dime

You need more like 500 dimes to afford a date today.

Don't dream big

Don't dream big. Most things you get in life will be small.

I'm so poor

I'm so poor, I had to take out a loan to pay an overdue loan.

Kindness today

Kindness is not too common today, so you can save a lot of time trying to be.

I'm thankful for...

I'm thankful for not being even more poorer than I already am.

The art of babysitting

The art of babysitting isn't an exact science, but since it is so hard, someone should make it be.

The perfect pet

The perfect pet is one that takes care of itself.

Goofy humor

Goofy humor is all humor. You are either goofy or serious.

Humor in the landscape

Humor is in the landscape because the Earth is full of people.

Fairy tales

Fairy tales come true only for the people in the fairy tale.

Empty zoo cages

The last place you want to see an empty cage is at the zoo.

Good dreams

Good dreams are the dreams that will never come true in real life.

Discouraged

Discouraged about life? I'm more discouraged I can't win the lottery yet.

A dash of humor

A dash of humor are jokes served around dinner time with the salt and pepper.

Trouble breathing

The only time I ever had trouble breathing was before I was born.

Fishing at retirement

Fishing is the perfect sport for retirement. You are doing something and nothing at the same time.

Self mocking humor

With self mocking humor, I have an unlimited supply of jokes.

Humor and family drama

Humor and family drama are a match. The more family drama you have the better the jokes will be.

Humor abuse

Humor abuse is continuously telling someone bad jokes.

Tough decisions in life

Have an easy life so you avoid tough decisions.

Investing strategy

The best investing strategy today is not to invest in anything.

At my best

I am at my best when I am doing something I can actually do. So I am not at my best most of the time.

That important?

Nobody you talk to is that important unless they have a holiday named after them.