Mental test

If everybody took a mental test today, more than half the people would fail.

Memory test

I was going to take a memory test online last week but I forgot to take it.

Forgotten you

Remember, nobody has forgotten you on purpose. They just got old and can't remember you or anybody else.

New job

With the economy now, most people have a new job for life; finding one.

Humor and faith

Humor and faith go together. Have faith that the humor you tell will actually be funny to someone.

Where I used to hide out

I used to hide out where nobody would find me; in my bedroom.

Favorite time to write jokes

My favorite time to write jokes is when I can actually think of some.

Graduation test

The graduation test today is to see if you can go through school without going through two grades twice.

Human cloning

Human cloning just means another flawed human in the world.

Choosing your friends

Choose your friends by the friends of other people. If everyone knows them, they must be good.

Patience never works

Having patience never works because the rest of the world doesn't have any.

Humor and toughness

You need toughness with humor for when nobody laughs at your jokes.

My first crush

My first crush was when heavy furniture fell on my fingers.

The last time I tasted buttermilk

The last time I tasted buttermilk was when the butter fell in the milk.

Famous horses

You know you have more work to do in life when a horse is more famous than you are.

The last time I was at the ocean

The last time I was at the ocean was when I got flooded by a storm.

Men of few words

The men of a few words gets in the least amount of trouble.

Making a will

I don't need a will. I am leaving what little I have to myself.

Lunchboxes

Lunchboxes are worth it to get just for the images, not because you carry lunch.

Live a long happy life

Living a long happy life only happens in the movies. In the real world it is a short and sad life.

Memory lane

Just where is memory lane? I lost some memories.

Mealtime blessings

My mealtime blessing is that I live for thousands of more meals.

Least numbers in lottery

If you can win millions in the lottery for the least numbers matched, I would be the richest in the world.

Lost parrots

Lost parrots are the only pet that can return if lost. They can just ask someone for directions.

Success

Success can't be measured because most people inherit it.

Privileges

The only privilege I earned so far in life was the privilege to earn privileges.

Someone has everything

If someone has everything, it also means that someone has nothing.

Furthest traveled

The furthest I ever traveled was in my dreams.

Higher power

I believe in a higher power; the Universe.

Most memorable class in school

My most memorable class in school is study hall. It's the only one I can remember, since I didn't have to do anything.

Breakfast food

The best breakfast food is one that takes the least about of time to prepare.

Jab

The only good feeling jab is an acupuncture jab.

Exaggeration

Exaggerations are only bad if you can't back them up.

Internet junkie

The only respected junkie is an Internet junkie.

Close the sale

Don't close the sale. I want it to last so I can get things cheap.

Chicken or egg

It doesn't matter which was first. You have no chickens without eggs and no eggs without chickens.

It's your funeral

Actually it isn't, since most likely you are not paying for it.

Grant

The only grant I ever qualified for was from my own bank account.

Great golf shot

The greatest golf shot I ever made was in my golf video game.

Courage

I have a lot of courage as long as nobody else is around me.

Other side of rainbow

They say money is on the other side of a rainbow. It is also impossible to get to the other side of a rainbow.

Defeat fate

How do you defeat fate? We are all gone sooner or later unless we do.

Free thought

With all the crazy things some people do in the world, free thought should be an earned privilege.

Pronunciation

You need help pronouncing words if you can't spell pronunciation to start with.

Fire a boss

You CAN fire a boss if you become your own boss.

Political landscape

The political landscape here is worse than a botched landscaping job.

Closest to heaven

The closest people to heaven are those who build skyscrapers.

Best at raising eyebrows

The people best at raising eyebrows are plastic surgeons.

Counter productive

Counter productive can be good if your job is behind a counter all day.

Basic food groups

For some reason, some people never got the memo that there are other food groups besides the ones that fats and sugars are in.

Repair a $5.00 radio

The cheapest fix for a broken $5 radio is another cheap $5 radio.

Jokes through email

Send your bad jokes through email. Your feelings will never be hurt, since they can't laugh in front of you anyway.

Christmas is for kids

And the adults who never grew up get the most gifts, so I am set for life.

In space

I saw so many Star Trek episodes I thought I was in space. Wait... we already are in space.

Dancing butt out

You don't have to know how to dance today. Just stick your butt out and you will be known all over.