Bank holidays

I never observe bank holidays because I have no money.

Old mattress

My mattress is so old that my body print IS now the mattress.

Aged so fast

I aged so fast that it felt like I was never here to begin with.

Three breakfasts

My memory is failing so fast that I wound up having three breakfasts in one day.

The cane

The cane was invented to pull people like me off the stage. But I never even made it to the stage.

Set my clock back

I'm so old, I set my clock back two hours instead of one for daylight savings time, just to slow the aging even more.

High air miles

High air miles mean you just spent a lot of time doing nothing.

Lucky luck

Luck only comes to those who are lucky.

Airport test

An airport is just a test to see if you know your surroundings.

Old tree

I'm so old that people thought I WAS a tree.

Energy to rock

Rocking chairs don't work as you get older because you need energy to rock.

Old address book

My old address book IS just addresses. The people aren't here anymore.

Goats and aging

I'm such an old goat now, that even the goats don't want to be around me.

Cure for aging

I found the cure for aging. Become a robot.

Money and nursing homes

Work hard you entire life so you have enough money when you get older. Nursing homes are expensive these days.

Age and aliens

I'm so old, aliens think I created the Earth.

Birth certificate

I'm so old, that I didn't hide my birth certificate, I burned it.

Third life

I'm so old, I just started my third life last month.

No longer a kid

I'm no longer a kid. I'm now an old goat.

Humorous starts

I returned to where I started. Where I first got laughed at.

Find my humor

It took me so long to find my humor that IT became funny.

Laughter is free

Laughter is the best medicine because it is free.

Ask a stupid question...

Ask a stupid question and expect a smart aleck answer from someone.

Attracting attention

The attracting attention books are never sold anymore. In the dangerous world today, the last thing you want to do is attract attention.

Humor in odd places

I find humor in odd places; in my mind.

Humor test

Take a humor test. In order to pass you need to laugh.

Bottom of the class

You could be at the bottom of the class in your grades, as long as everyone in the class is 90 and above.

Humor perspective

Humor depends on your perspective. Since most people don't have perspective today, everything is funny.

Flying high

I fly high for different reasons, mostly when I am happy about something.

Lighten the load

You know your humor is bad when you try to lighten the load but wind up increasing it instead.

Bus fare

Is any bus fare actually fair?

Holiday cheers

Get some holiday cheers. Tell a good joke and get some cheers.

Seasoned greetings

If you are a cook, for the holidays be sure to say "seasoned greetings" rather than "seasons greetings".

Humor and peace

Humor can help make peace. Everyone will feel sorry about each others bad jokes.

Knowledge is power

Knowledge is power. So most people must know absolutely nothing.

Life success

Just in case you don't make it in this life, you may have a chance IF there is a next one.

Commit the boss

People can commit a husband for life. But how do you commit the boss to keep you for life?

Circulatory test

My circulatory test showed that I am moving in slow motion.

Caught in the act

The smartest people are not caught in the act, they are caught OUT of the act.

Mall Santas

Santas hang out in the malls for the same reason as everyone else; to get cheap prices on toys.

Bass fishing

The only bass fishing I know is trying to find the right bass setting for my speakers.

Business picture

The best time to take a picture of yourself in your business today is as soon as possible and before you go out of business.

Biggest wave

The biggest wave I ever saw was not at the beach, but at a baseball stadium.

Mental test

If everybody took a mental test today, more than half the people would fail.

Memory test

I was going to take a memory test online last week but I forgot to take it.

Forgotten you

Remember, nobody has forgotten you on purpose. They just got old and can't remember you or anybody else.

New job

With the economy now, most people have a new job for life; finding one.

Humor and faith

Humor and faith go together. Have faith that the humor you tell will actually be funny to someone.

Where I used to hide out

I used to hide out where nobody would find me; in my bedroom.

Favorite time to write jokes

My favorite time to write jokes is when I can actually think of some.

Graduation test

The graduation test today is to see if you can go through school without going through two grades twice.

Human cloning

Human cloning just means another flawed human in the world.

Choosing your friends

Choose your friends by the friends of other people. If everyone knows them, they must be good.

Patience never works

Having patience never works because the rest of the world doesn't have any.

Humor and toughness

You need toughness with humor for when nobody laughs at your jokes.