Serious about humor

Why should I get serious about humor? I want people to laugh.

Rock star

The closest I ever got to being a rock star is wearing sunglasses while playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on my guitar.

Humor and love

Humor and love go together. If the people like your jokes, you will get plenty of love from the crowd.

Musician's humor

Musician's humor is all about hitting the right note.

Humor contest

I entered a humor contest and got laughed off the stage.

Remembered for humor

Being remember for humor can be a good or bad thing. Did people laugh WITH you or AT you?

Internet dating

Internet dating is a great way of meeting the exact same people who you would meet in person.

People behaving badly

It shouldn't be news today when people are behaving badly. What is more shocking is reporting on people behaving normally.

Seasick bath

Never mind getting seasick on a boat, I got seasick as a kid taking a bath.

Life sermon

I gave a sermon on life, but it was short, since I have none.

$7 haircuts and $40 haircuts

The $7 haircuts and the $40 haircuts ARE different. The $40 haircuts use more expensive scissors.

Domestically challenged people

Some people are domestically challenged. They never do any work around the house.

Shake hands dogs

Dogs must like people more than other dogs. They shake paws like a handshake with people's hands but yet they never do it with other dogs.

Normal candidates

A candidate today will be called weird if they have nothing abnormal about their private life. But on the bright side, you will be a shoe in to win elections.

Business ethics rule

The main business ethics rule followed by all business today is to do anything to put the other guy out of business.

Fast supermarket shopping

Supermarket shopping goes the fastest if you get the wagon with the wheels that aren't as broken as the others.

Amusement parks

Why pay for amusements parks? Life is amusing enough and it's free.

Humor and longevity

Humor helps you live a longer life. You can just keep laughing through anything and not realize that you are getting more sick and old.

Humor and aging

Humor makes you feel younger. By laughing at immature jokes, you will feel younger and forget about how quickly you are getting older.

Discounted items

It's funny how all the discounted items online and in the stores are always things that nobody wants.

Disposition

Some people have a fun disposition all the time. I only have it when I am telling jokes.

Funny acting lessons

You don't need funny acting lessons. Everyone today already acts stupid.

Nerd humor

Nerd humor is high tech. It is all about glasses, pens, pockets, and computers.

Employ humor

Humor doesn't need a job. The people who write the humor do.

Billboard humor

The only public humor that is instantly famous is billboard humor.

Natural looks

I have natural looks. I look like a human being.

Climate change

How can anybody not believe in climate change? I have four seasons here in New York.

Profanity

Without people using profanity, nobody else would know how much smarter they are than the person using it.

Pickpockets

Pickpockets can be solved easy. Just don't wear clothing with any pockets on them.

Onions

Onions never make me cry. They are tasty and I'm very happy when I prepare them.

In home hospitality

I have the best hospitality in house. I let everyone help themselves while I sit down. I mean you never know what foods people want.

Misers

I will never be called a miser, since I had nothing to give away to start with.

Ambition

You must have ambition in life. If you don't want to be anything, at least have the ambition to succeed at THAT.

Allowances

The only allowance I know is to make an allowance for someone; not the money allowance.

Biggest accident

The biggest accident I had in life was not getting rich.

Alarm clocks

I had two alarm clocks go off in case I get up late. I still woke up late when the power failed and neither went off.

Boxing career

Boxing is a great career. Now if I can only find a 90 pound weakling to box against so I can turn pro.

My conscience

My conscience told me not to do anything fun. Good thing I won or I would have a boring life.

Freak

Today, a freak is anyone who dresses or acts normal.

Flowers and arguments

Flowers were invented because of all the arguments people have. The divorce rate would be twice as high otherwise.

Flirtation

Flirtation is fun they say. But they never tell you how do you get someone to flirt with you to start with.

Party went wrong

The party went wrong for me from the start. I never was invited to begin with.

Advantages of wearing braces

Why complain if you wear braces? A good advantage of wearing them is on dates. It prevents someone's tongue from coming to close to you.

Modern times

I didn't like modern times because of all the weird people today. So I went back to the past. They thought I was weird and sent me back.

Lightning strike

I almost got hit by a lightning strike once. I almost won the lottery.

Honesty and humor

Honesty and humor go together well. Be honest with yourself and admit your jokes are not funny.

Five ways to get popular today with a music performance

Sure ways to get popular today with a music performance.

1) Wear as little clothing as possible.
2) Use a lot of props so people forget your lack of talent.
3) Do sexy moves to distract people from the singing.
4) Dress older than you really are so older people will watch.
5) Act like you really ARE good.

Obey everyone

People only obey others because they are not in charge of the situation.

Garlic breath

Why is garlic breath bad? They said garlic is good for your health. So the person is probably as fit as can be.

Using your body to get a promotion

I used my body to get a promotion. I walked 10 city blocks to get to the job inteview.

Fireproof coffins

Does anyone ever ask if coffins are fireproof? Not that it matters...

Collateral

If you have no collateral to offer to someone, buy a lottery ticket for them. The chance to win hundreds of millions has to worth something right?

Computer glitch

I had a strange computer glitch. The computer worked all day without a freezing up.

Considerate spouse

A considerate spouse is someone who notifies you before they get a divorce.

Gratitude and humor

Gratitude and humor go together. You have gratitude as long as people laugh at your jokes.

Offbeat sense of humor

My humor is always offbeat, since I'm not a musician.

Prop humor

I love prop humor, but I can never do it, since I don't know how to make the props.

Loving humor

Loving humor is humor done only around family members.

Bottom of the class

I was always at the bottom of the class. The second floor was much smarter.

Judge a person by company

You can always judge a person by the company they keep. If they keep no company, you are screwed.

Count your chickens

I don't have to count my chickens before they hatch. I never had any chickens and never will.

Old fools

The biggest fools are the old fools. They gained more experience being a fool each year of their life.

Stage mothers

Stage mothers are part of the stage so much they have an entire word just for them.

Sewing lesson

The only sewing lesson I learned after one lesson is not to sew.

Setting goals

I set no goals in life. This way if life doesn't work out, I'm not disappointed.

Cheap socks

I buy such cheap socks that they already come with the holes in the big toe and heel.

Biggest liar

The biggest liar is the person who never gets caught for any of their lies.

Bathroom scales

Who really keeps the bathroom scale in the bathroom? It is dirty there. They should call it a kitchen scale, where most people keep it.

Broke government

The government is so broke, even they have to borrow money from the banks.

Joke attention

My jokes attract attention... for all the wrong reasons.

Science humor

Be sure to put your calculator in scientific notation before hearing science humor.

Anti humor jokes

I am a specialist in anti humor jokes. I get one laugh per 100 jokes.

Self deprecating humor

If everyone did self deprecating humor, they would have jokes for another 100 years.

Dry humor

I always do dry humor. I never drink while telling my jokes.

Adult humor

All humor is adult humor. How can babies tell jokes?

Surprise and humor

Surprise and humor go together. You are always surprised if the joke is really good and surprised if the joke is really bad.

Bonded by humor

We are all bonded by humor. Except for the people without a sense of humor.

Recycling humor

In the age of recycling, it is a good thing humor doesn't have to be recycled or we would just have recycled old jokes.

College humor

College humor jokes don't last very long. You are only in college a few years.

Being too funny

It's possible to be too funny. But fortunately I never have to worry about that.

A penny for your thoughts

The reason why it is only a penny is because a penny is all most people's thoughts are worth.

Problem adult

I'm not a problem child. I'm a problem adult.

I got to third base

I got to third base once. Not in dating; in baseball.

Pay the price

I paid the price in life a lot of the time by buying things that are way too expensive.

Computer memory

I have a computer memory. But like the blue screen with computers, I sometimes get a blank screen and can't remember anything.

No funerals

I don't go to funerals because I don't approve of death.

Modest person

I'm a modest person. It is easy when you don't own anything to be unmodest about.

Good virtues

I have all good virtues that most people dislike.

Cool

I'm cool enough to know when someone is hot.

Music and humor

You have to have a sense of humor to listen to some of the music that is out today.

Hateful humor

Hateful humor is when people dislike the jokes because they are so bad and wind up hating the humorist.

Med humor

Med humor is only understood by doctors.

Humorous memoir

In the world today, what memoir written by someone is not a HUMOROUS memoir?

Humorous gardening

Humorous gardening is any garden not done by a professional gardener.

Legs and hot dogs

Lets and hot dogs are the opposites. Most like fat hot dogs and skinny legs.

Pop culture

The opposite of crazy pop culture is classical music culture.

Absurd person

Some people are just plain absurd. I am only absurd in humor.

Dark humor

Dark humor is humor you should say with the lights out in order not to be embarrassed by it.

Drama and humor

Drama and humor is when people talk about their private life that is a joke.

Humor him

Don't humor him if he is already crazy. Try to UNHUMOR him.

Design and humor

If I could design humor, I would be an artist and sell paintings instead.

Usual humor

Usual humor in the case of many people means no humor.

Humor prize

I won the top humor prize for the worst joke that people thought was funny.

Two racquet tennis

Two racquet tennis is for the rest of us who can't hit the ball. Hold a racquet in each hand so you have double the chance of hitting the ball back.

Men and bananas

Men get like bananas as they age. They become less firm.

Rocking rocker chair

The rocker chair was a good idea for me. But I'm too old to get it rocking on some days.

Temptation when older

You don't have to worry about temptation when older. Nobody will want to temp you anymore anyway.

Sin when older

Sin doesn't matter when you get older. You're too old to even know what a sin is and isn't.

Son of a C

Never mind son of a B. When I get mad, I go up to son of a C.

Fun when getting older

It's hard to have fun when you get older because having fun takes too much energy.

I save on checkbooks

I save on checkbooks. I don't have any money.

Hurricanes and divorce

Hurricanes and divorce go together. You will usually get wiped out in the end of everything you own.

Circus marriage

Marriage is like a circus. It is a lot of fun at first. Then it just gets gradually boring over the years.

If some people were a billionaire

If some people were a billionaire, they would have a big problem. Counting up to billions is beyond most people.

Twinkling eye

Today, a twinkle in someone's eye on a date probably means they have an eye disease.

Best winter activity

The best winter activity is sleeping. What else can you do in freezing temperatures?

Tough decisions

The best solution to a tough decision is letting someone else come up with the solution. This way get the blame when it doesn't work out.

Bottle rockets

Bottle rockets are the closest most of us will ever get to space.

Losses in sports are forever

Losses in sports are forever because people like to rub them in.

Blue Moons

If things happen once in a blue Moon, don't worry. Blue Moons are real. So you still have a chance of it happening.

My body

My body likes me for now... until it decides to retire and quit.

Only rich on game shows

You need lots of money to go on game shows. The poor get even poorer after paying the taxes on the prizes they win.

Be politically correct

The best way to be politically correct is to just agree with everything everyone else agrees with and you will be fine.

A crackle of comedians

It was a crackle of comedians. All of them were cracking up laughing.

Dumb problem

A solution to a dumb problem is to find a dumb solution.

I was principal

I was a school principal once, until the students got me in trouble.

Superiority theory

My superiority theory is that I am slightly superior than most.

Change one thing about the world

To make the world better, you can't change ONE thing. You would need an entire new world.

Humor helps you recover

Humor can help you recover from the last bad joke if the new joke is good.

We all make mistakes

We all make mistakes. I just make far less than most people do.

Dates on a dime

I date on a dime because a dime is all I have.

Eat on the run

I never eat on the run. I only eat sitting down in case afterwards I can't get up.

Your wife is always right

Your wife is always right. Only because you don't want a divorce.

Good ones always taken

The good ones in life are always taken, because who wants the bad ones?

Lies

Everybody lies because the truth usually doesn't work that well.

Life irritates you?

Get used to it if life irritates you, because the next life is exactly the same as this one.

Humor lines with unexpected twist

The unexpected twist are jokes that fall flat.

Do something that you never done before

If I have never done something before, there is a good reason. I probably can't do it to begin with.

Legendary humor

Legendary humor is humor with no boos ever. So legendary humor is just a legend.

Write about your disappointments

There isn't enough time left in the Universe for everyone to write about their disappointments.

First grade memories

All that I remember from back then was that I was much younger and less smarter.

Ice cube tastes

An ice cube taste like water. What would you think it taste like?

Paper airplane makers

The paper airplane maker kids are the future designers of tomorrow.

My talents

My talents? Give me a few days. I'll find at least one.

Mother Goose eggs

I need Mother Goose to lay eggs for me but with money inside instead.

People I’ll never forget in life

The people I'll never forget in life are those with easy to pronounce first and last names.

On TV

The only time I was on TV was when I filmed myself and played it back on TV.

Sharing

I have nothing to share unless I become a millionaire; and even then it is uncertain.

The best cookie

The best cookie I have ever eaten is one that was not made at home or in someone else's home.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was created so everyone would get free chocolate.

Quiet house

The house and neighborhood located near the airport will be very quiet. The bedrooms are soundproof.

Convenient location

The house is at a convenient location. It is just a few minutes from the busy city airport.

A house for gardening fans

This is a house for gardening fans. The lawn hasn't been cut in months. And there are all kinds of plants growing.

A wealth of features

The house has many features, including a well in the back to pump your own water.

Compact

The house is compact. The one bathroom is in the bedroom.

Rare opportunity to buy

A rare opportunity to buy before the house is condemned.

Deceptive appearance

The outside of the house is fine. The inside is falling apart.

Sought after

The house is well sought after. My entire family wants it.

Eager to sell

Eager to sell house before the neighborhood turns bad.

Pioneer

A pioneer is someone who got lucky and wound up in the right spot.

The mathematics of love

I guess this is one of those unsolved math problems in the world still.

Latest tie fashions

It seems there is never any latest tie fashion. Any tie off the rack is in style.

Bow tie smarts

Bow ties make everyone feel smart when they use them.

Grocery math numbers

If you know math, don't go grocery shopping. You won't be able to make a $200 food shopping ever again.

Green thumb

A green thumb is if you are rich. A palm is if you need money.

School all week

If school were in session six days a week, all kids would eventually be smarter than adults.

Huge dinosaurs

What I know about dinosaurs is that they would have stepped on me if they were still here.

Don’t overanalyze humor

Don’t overanalyze humor or else you may find that the jokes are really not that funny.

Difficult daily decisions

One of the most difficult daily decisions I make is whether to get out of bed in the morning or not.

Scary movies

People go to scary movies with their friends just to test how brave they are.

Absurd decisions

If people all wrote down their absurd decisions, the book would be the biggest in human history.

Immortal

If people were immortal, you would have to start building jails on the Moon as we run out of space.

Animals exist to...

Animals exist to make us all feel like we are actually smart.

Fight for myself

I would be willing to fight for myself, unless someone bigger can do it for me.

Perfect day

A perfect day is when everything works out perfect. So perfect days are fiction.

The world is controlled by people

The world is controlled by people who obviously don't know what they are doing.

Laughter is the best medicine

Laughter is the best medicine, but like medicine, sometimes it doesn't work.

Black-and-blue humor

Black-and-blue humor is what you get if you keep telling bad jokes on stage.

Obsolete horses

Horses may be obsolete today, but they said they don't mind getting a break.

Snap your fingers

Do we really need classes on telling people how to snap their fingers? How hard really is it?

Pizza good

Never mind rest in peace when I am gone, I say rest in pizza.

Talent circus

The day I went to the circus I realized I wasn't as talented as I thought.

Finding memories

I find memories where I leave them; usually outside my brain.

Savior

If your first name is Savior, you must have a lot of friends asking to be saved.

Holidays make me sad

Holidays make me sad because I can never remember the dates for most of them.

Olympic walking

Why not add walking to the Olympics so I can finally get a gold medal in something?

Money and cars

Money isn't everything, but it can buy expensive cars which you can live in once you go broke.

Classic books

A classic book is something you read about but never actually read yourself.

Smile

Smile and make believe your life is great.

College phones

College is the only time where parents actually want you to have a phone and encourage you to use it often.

Western movie fans

To western movie fans, any film not a western is a foreign film.

Perfect ten

I have a perfect ten. Ten times I played the lottery in a row and lost each time.

The middle man

Just who and where is the middle man when it comes to business? He is like the invisible man.

Long lunch

I had a long lunch today. The hero I got was over 12 inches long.

The school theater

If the entire school were a theater, everyone would show up all the time.

Long line

The only long line you want to see in life is a long LIFE line on your palms.

Being lazy

Anytime is a good time to be lazy. I can't even think of a time when it isn't good to be lazy.

Yoga

If your first name is Yoga, I guess we all know your favorite activity.

Classes I hated

If I remember, I didn't hate any classes, I just didn't like school in general.

Walk in the park

If life were a walk in the park, a lot of us would be robbed.

I'm more funny

I was told I am more funny than anyone from Antarctica.

My best personality trait

My best personality trait I haven't found yet, since I don't really have a personality.

Bad thing about my age

The bad thing about my age is that it keeps going up one digit higher each year.

Most important role model

My most important role model is me. That's why I don't have success.

Have a brother or sister

Is there a third option to just have a pet instead?

Promises

The best way not to break an important promise is to never make any promises.

Perform in front of audience

How can I perform in front of an audience when I can't perform in front of myself?

Stray animal

The stray animal in some people's homes is actually a human.

Earn a privilege

I never earned a privilege because I already had them all to start with.

Stick up for someone

I never stick up for someone because I can't stick up for myself yet.

Anger

Anger is triggered by other people, so moving to Mars would be the cure.

Travel into the past

If you could travel into the past, you could relive the few good things that have happened to you in life.

Humor turns women on

This can't be true or I would have no time to write any humor.

Judging my humor

My humor rating score is a first, it's "Not measurable".

Humor and faith

You have to have humor to have faith, and you have to have faith to have humor.

Humor is necessary

Humor is human history. You have to talk about what people bring upon themselves.

Write about big mistakes

I never wrote about the big mistakes I made because the book would be too many volumes.

Summer in the city

Summer in the city is the same as summer in the country, just with more people.

Green is the color...

Green is the color of money and also sickness, because with no money you feel sick.

First crush

Your first crush is just like the end of life, you come up short and you're done.

The unforgiven

The unforgiven is everyone on Earth. That's why we hear from nobody in the afterlife.

The best intentions

The best intentions of someone depend on the person that is doing the intention.

Sesame

Either you will be a cook or into cartoons if you first name is Sesame.

Jazzy

Your career in life is music if your name is Jazzy.

Excel

You cannot not excel in life if you first name is Excel.

Jury

Do not complain if you are on juries all of your life if your first name is Jury.

Ace

You must play tennis if you first name is Ace.

Queenie

Are all the Queenie's hard to please?

Cello

If your first name is Cello, you already know what you career is.

Hippo

Do all Hippo's turn out big?

Velvet

Every Velvet is a smooth person.

Draco

He does not have to be into magic just because he is named Draco.

Cinnamon

I bet some of Cinnamon's friends are Salt and Pepper.

Dudley

Not all Dudley's are duds.

Diamond

You really found you diamond in the rough if you found a Diamond.

Mailmen under the weather

Mailmen are always under the weather. But sometimes the weather is sunny.

Manage stress

The best way to manage stress is by not having any stress to start with.

Pirated music

My music was so bad I had to pay the pirates to give my music away.

Everyone cheating

He was caught cheating by the cheater next to him.

Best complement

The best complements I have gotten are no negative complements.

Changing careers

I would change careers if I had one to start with.

I am a super nerd

I am a super nerd. I have pens in my shirt pockets, pants, and coat jackets.

Adjectives and people

Most people can't use adjectives to describes themselves because they don't know what an adjective is.

Lowbrow humor

Lowbrow humor is humor that hits below the eyebrows.

Fantasy comedy

Fantasy comedy are all the jokes you have that you fantasized were good.

Truth in comedy

Truth in comedy is always stretched because it is comedy.

Self-conscious humor

Self-conscious humor are jokes that can't even pass YOU without getting no laughs.

Internet humor

Internet humor can be found easy. The entire Internet is almost a joke now.

Aliens have a sense of humor

Aliens have a sense of humor. They visit us for a few minutes, see us, and then leave.

Monday morning humor

Monday morning humor is tired humor from the weekend.

Paranormal humor

Paranormal humor is humor you can't fully understand or know where it is coming from.

Cat gone humor

Don't listen to everyone, because cat gone humor is just as good as dog gone humor.

Saucy humor

Saucy humor can only happen if you are out eating someplace.

Comedic literature

Comedic literature is humor written on actual pages in a book.

Clever humor

Clever humor is humor that YOU actually think of.

A guy with humor...

A guy with humor is a humorguyist.

Sleeping dogs lie

Sleeping dogs lie, but sleeping cats lie also.

Marketing lesson

The best marketing lesson is to hype something that does not really work.

Learn about death

I learned about death first before I was born.

Pick up tab

I always expect someone to pick up the tab, since I have no money.

Child that you looks up to you

The only child that looks up to me is me, because I never grew up yet.

Lose inhibitions

I can't lose my inhibitions because I don't have any to start with.

Married bosses

If people don't like bosses, why do they get married?

Sacrifice to go into space

I would sacrifice money to go into space. It would be easy, since I have none.

Change for the better

I never change for the better because I figure I am already the best I can be right now.

My best birthday memory

My best birthday memory is none. I can't remember my birthdays.

Act my age

I never have to act my age because I forgot what my age is.

Most peaceful day

The most peaceful day I ever had was the day before I came into this life.

Cartoons

I like to watch all cartoons, since the characters make me look like a genius.

Change life for the better

The last time I think I changed my life for the better was in my last life.

Impress

The only person I try to impress is myself, but I still have more work to do.

Seeing a concert

The only concert I ever went to see was in my bedroom when it was on TV.

Retirement

Why is retirement good? It means you're at the end of your life.

Heaven is on Earth

Heaven is on Earth, as long as you have a load of money.

Hearts and brains

People who eat animal hearts and brains probably don't have a heart or a brain.

I don't have any traditions

I don't have any traditions because I don't know any.

Last forever

The only thing that will last forever is my bones.

My favorite condiment

My favorite condiment is one that doesn't set my mouth on fire.

Left behind as a child

I got left behind as a child. I finished my test like 20 minutes later than the other kids.

Even poorer

Ten years ago I was poor. Ten years later I am even poorer.

Uncle Sam's sense of humor

Uncle Sam has a great sense of humor. He wants your taxes even when you're dead.

Funny, charming, brilliant friends

Funny, charming, brilliant friends? All four together in one person on THIS planet?

International humor

International humor is humor you wouldn't understand for various reasons.

Humor as weapon

If you got all the biggest comedians in the country together, humor could be used as a weapon to laugh the enemy to death.

Misguided sense of humor

I now have a misguided sense of humor. My guide left me after the first joke.

Best singer

I am a better singer than most because I can sing with my mouth closed.

My fortune

My fortune is so great I won't get it until I get to the other side.

Talking in my sleep

I was talking in my sleep. I was telling myself to be quiet during the day.

Sports fanatic

I'm a sports fanatic. I have all the sports titles for my video game system.

Space race

What does the space race mean? There is nothing in space to race to.

Smoke detector

I'm so hot, I can set off smoke detectors without them being plugged in.

New golf game

I started a new golf game for terrible players; the highest score wins.

Help desk

Where is the help desk for life located at?

Heavenly punishment

A heavenly punishment is being sent down to Earth to live forever.

Hectic day

A hectic day is any day where work is required.

Job bonus

I got a good job bonus offer. If I quit, they will give me a big bonus.

Good looks

She gets her good looks from her father; a plastic surgeon.

Laziness

Laziness isn't a handicap. People who are lazy are happy and do everything they want to do.

Long journey

A long journey starts out with a large bag of money.

Golf shaft

Never mind where the shaft of the golf club is, I found the shaft yesterday playing with my score.

Census taking

Why pay anyone to take a census? I can already tell you the world is getting way crowded each year.

Camping tents

Where do people learn how to set up a camping tent? We need a school that teaches the hard things like this.

Camping trips

I never took a camping trip because I have no idea how to camp or where to take the trip.

Beat shopping

The only thing that beats shopping is GETTING someone's shopping in the form of gifts.

Bathroom sign

There should only be one bathroom sign, "Don't come in".

Baking secret

The best baking secret is to learn how to bake before you attempt to bake.

Happy birthday

What is happy about a happy birthday? I'm a year closer to being a senior citizen.

Golf at night

I golf at night so nobody can see how bad I play.

Golf tees on the green

I'm so bad at golf, that my tees are on the green.

The best son

The best son is the Sun that keeps us alive each day.

Babies overweight

Everyone is eating so much today that even the babies are being born overweight.

Bad news

You need bad news once in awhile because it then makes the rare good news seem really great.

Bad day at court

What exactly is a good day at court?

Bad day at work

I had a bad day at work because I had to show up.

Baggage problem

Some people have a baggage problem. But not at the airport, just too many guys in the past.

Rain again

People who don't want it to rain ever should stay in the desert.

Last minute gifts

You can always tell the last minute Christmas gifts because they are usually cheap and something you don't want.

Confusion library

Who doesn't get confused when walking into a library? Just where do you go first?

Short happy life

A short happy life is better than a long happy life because you need far less money.

Marriage vows civil

The marriage vows should include a line that promises to keep the divorce years later civil.

Lengthy sermon

A lengthy sermon for most is anything over 10 minutes.

Can't sit still

People who can't sit still should join a marching band.

Humor and despair

You will have the despair if the humor is awful.

Humor me

Nobody has to humor me, because I tell my own jokes to me.

Autobiographical humor

I don't have any autobiographical humor because I still haven't done anything in life yet.

Self-deprecating humor

I never run out of self-deprecating humor because I just look at my life.

Boisterous humor

Boisterous humor is what you want to strive for, but only for the fact that the word sounds good.

Humor will get you more money

Humor will either get you more money or it will make a total fool of you.

Humor raises money

Humor can't raise money. Only the person telling the humor can.

Offer humor

You can only offer humor. The audience then decides if they keep it or throw it back at you.

Humor with heart

Humor only has a heart if it is funny and the person telling it is still living at the end.

Illustrate humor

If I could illustrate humor, I would be an artist instead.

Employ humor

How do you employ humor? You give humor a job and let someone tell its jokes.

Humor in songs

You have plenty of humor in songs. All the songs that nobody has ever heard of and bombed out.

Humor streak

I was on a humor streak. There was a streak of people who left the room because of my bad jokes.

Getting serious about humor

Why should I get serious about humor? It's a joke, right?

Bumbling humor

Bumbling humor is humor that you don't have to say correctly in order to get laughs.

Humor gets us through

In tough times, humor gets us through to the next day. Then you better hope for more humor.

Origins of humor

The origins of humor are probably so funny that nobody believed it and the story is now lost forever.

Inappropriate

Everything is so inappropriate today that the word appropriate is no longer in the English language.

Healing power of humor

The healing power of humor is strong, as long as you don't hurt your stomach laughing and get injured.

Strategic humor

Strategic humor is humor that if bombs, you know where the exit doors are ahead of time.

Five things you don't want to hear on a plane

You probably could do without hearing these from the captain when on a plane.

1) Fasten your seat belts... just in case.
2) Don't worry, the turbulence will end in a half hour.
3) All the drinks I am having are free for you also.
4) We are going over the Atlantic Ocean now.
5) Don't stuff the bathroom up, it can flood.

Whistle for help

This is for on land. But if you are in the water and need help, I guess you blow bubbles.

Stork instead

He was so bad that when he was born, his mother wished she had kept the stork instead.

Biting humor

Biting humor is when you get bitten if you don't laugh at the jokes.

Black Friday

It is called Black Friday because once you get knocked out, all you see is black.

Collection plate

I'm so poor, I started to pass around my own collection plate.

Human resources

Humans have a lot of resources. It is just that I have very little of them.

Animals hunting me

I was so bad at hunting, the animals wound up hunting me instead.

Long hospital forms

Hospital forms are a mile long in order to test your craziness level before they admit you.

More glasses

Some people have an extra set of glasses in case one breaks. I have an extra set because I can't see close or far.

My dream fortune

I made a fortune in a dream, then lost the money when I woke up.

Mother's advice

You don't have to ask for your mother's advice. You already know it will be the opposite of your own.

Learner's permit

Everyone should start off with a learner's permit. But not for driving; for life itself.

Sensitive people

People are always so sensitive today you would think they have a permanent rash.

Cruel jokes

A joke is only cruel if it is about you.

Boring funny

Everything boring is funny. It is so boring it is crazy funny.

Laugh out loud funny

Everything funny is laugh out loud funny. How can you laugh otherwise?

Trying to be funny

Trying to be funny? Don't worry. Just show someone your high school yearbook picture and you will get lots of laughs.

Seriously important lessons

Seriously important lessons are the lessons nobody laughs at.

Important lessons

Everything in life is an important lesson because nobody does anything right the first time.

Funny business

Every business is funny. Funny when you have to pay back loans you don't have the money for.

Lens cap dysfunction

My camera has lens cap dysfunction. The lens cap does not stay up.

Love is strange

Love is strange they say. But everyone is strange anyway, so it fits.

Funny car

And all these years I thought "funny car" meant that the car itself was funny.

Funny business

There IS a funny business. It is called comedy.

Humor and faith

If you have humor and faith, it means you will die happy and go to heaven.

Defense humor

Defensive humor isn't working. I'm still getting hit hard all the time for bad jokes.

Center stage humor

My humor isn't center stage. It isn't even on a stage.

Me sense of humor

I have the best sense of humor. I laugh at myself even more than everyone else does.

Humor on the edge

Humor can't get pushed to the edge because there is no edge when it comes to humor, it goes on forever.

Humor and sincerity

Humor and sincerity don't mix because humor is a joke. So how can it be sincere?

Table manners

How can anyone have table manners? Eating is just plain messy.

Write humor

I tried to write humor but it turned into a joke.

Potty humor

Potty humor just really stinks.

Politics and humor

Politics and humor go together because politics are a joke.

Shooting for the stars

I was shooting for the stars in life but ran out of ammo.

Better sense of humor

I traded in my sense of humor for a too better sense of humor. Now everything in life is a joke.

I am a comic

My mind says I am a comic. Except when it tells me I am an idiot.

Toilet humor

Just toilet humor? The ENTIRE bathroom is a dirty joke.

Deeply felt humor

Most good humor is deeply felt. You get a pain deep in your stomach.

Distorted humor

Distorted humor is all humor, because everything is always STRETCHED.

Ghoulish humor

Ghoulish humor is best on Halloween.

Car salesmen sense of humor

Car salesmen have the best sense of humor. Every car they sell is great, right?

Humor has evolved

Humor has evolved to the point where anything and nothing is funny at the same time.

Gross out humor

Who wants to handle gross out humor? I rather just hear about it instead.

Brains, humor, and talent

Most people want brains, humor, and talent in someone. I guess those three traits pay the most money in the long run.

Roughing it

I don't rough anything because I'm a softie.

Rush hour patience

The best patience test for someone is to go driving in rush hour and see how they react.

Piece of advice

I don't need a piece of advice, I need the entire thing.

Picture perfect people

No picture is picture perfect if we are in the picture, since we aren't perfect.

Piano control

The people who move so much when playing the piano, you would think the piano is controlling them.

Piano master

To master the piano, it helps to have played it in your last life.

Men pantyhose

If men wore pantyhose, you would have thousands of holes in them.

Baggy pants people

Do the people who wear baggy pants have really big butts or small butts? You can't tell.

The Oregon Trail

The Oregon Trail is too far away. I need a trail closer to New York.

Out of memory

I can't learn anything else because my brain ran out of storage.

First or second aid

With first aid you live, with aid second you are gone.

Atom people

If everything is made of atoms, we are a pretty small people.

Talk in sleep

Do people who talk in their sleep have big mouths when awake?

Tallness

Tallness only matters if someone is taller than you are.

Talk about others

The best time to talk about others is when they are not there.

Overstaffed

I am pretty sure nobody uses the word overstaffed any longer today's economy.

Beach girls

Beach girls are the same as non-beach girls. There is only one GIRL.

Beach life

There is no life on the beach because it is a place to relax.

Beach sand

The beach is the only place you can get sand over everything and nobody will care.

1 in a billion

I'm so good, I'm not one in a million, I'm one in a billion.

Obituary notices

Just how popular is the obituary section of the newspaper?

Borrowing neighbors

The real friendly neighbors are the ones who borrow things all the time from you.

Best neighbor

The best neighbor is someone who doesn't know you are there.

Nail biters

Do nail biters have their own nail clippers?

Hindsight is 80/80

It seems to most people that hindsight is more like 80/80 rather than 20/20.

Hobos

Hobos are smart. They save the most money on clothes.

Hindsight

In hindsight, you would live your life over again and do everything right this time.

Highest number

The highest number is the number you can actually pronounce.

History is kind

History is very kind if you don't include the hundreds of wars already on Earth.

Little known facts

The little known facts for most people mean the entire history of the world.

Miracle poor

The only miracle that came true for me is that I would be poor forever. What were the odds of that happening on its own?

Miracle cure

There is no miracle cure for people who believe in miracles.

No hospital miracles

Hospitals don't want miracles because they would be out of business.

Live forever miracles

If miracles happen and are true, then we would all be living forever.

Dreams made in Vegas

Dreams are made in Vegas; usually the ones where you lose all of your money.

Las Vegas houses

Houses are big in Vegas. Most of the time the house wins and you lose your house.

Lamaze classes

More women would go to lamaze classes, but almost nobody knows what it is.

Biggest artist

Today, the biggest artist is the one who has the most hits on the Internet.

Artistic worth

Your artistic worth is 0 unless you are an artist.

All junk

Never make fun of junk. Everything you own will one day be junk also.

Garage sale millions

With all the junk in my garage, I think I am a millionaire and don't know it yet.

Dad is you

Dad is you... except way, way, older.

Dad knows best

Dad knows best... except when you are right.

Gifts for dad

The best gifts for dad are those that you don't want because they make you feel old.

Golf buddy

A golf buddy is important. You need someone to carry your golf clubs for you so you don't have to.

Golf foursome

If you can't play golf very well, a golf foursome will probably take four days to finish.

What I eat

I don't tell anyone what I eat. I'm not famous, so nobody cares.

Fresh deli food

The best deli food is the one that looks like it hasn't been sitting there for weeks.

Lemon hat

I do so bad at the casino that I exchanged my baseball hat for a lemon hat.

Casino lemons

My favorite slots that come up are the lemons, because it fits how often I win.

Pushing my luck

I don't have to worry about pushing my luck because I don't have any luck to push.

Lost poker hand

I lost a big poker hand by dropping it on the floor.

Casino games

What is the best chance game to play at the casino? None of them.

Fat stomach

Did anyone stop and think for a minute that maybe our stomachs just like being fat?

Garbage all day

Do people who work with garbage during the day cook their own dinner at night?

Stupid question

A question is only stupid if you don't know the answer and somebody else does; which is usually the case.

Scare fear

If fear doesn't scare you, then nothing will.

Area 51 name

The Area 51 name can mean 51 aliens, 51 ships, the age of the alien they found... or it could mean how many years you will get for going there.

Artistic today

Anyone can be artistic today. All you need is the Internet and then tell people that you're an artist.

Smarter glasses

If glasses make you look smarter, then everyone should be wearing them.

Near death experience

I have a near death experience every time I go to sleep.

Natural laws

Are natural laws the laws that nudist go by?

Scams

With all the scams today, it is easier to just list the things that are not a scam.

Total satisfaction

Total satisfaction? I can't even get 10% satisfaction.

Satisfaction

If nobody can get satisfaction, I wonder why the word exists.

Sanctuary from Earth

So where is the sanctuary to get away from Earth?

Salesmanship

Salesmanship means you have smooth skills at selling something that people don't need.

Intelligent lamps

Intelligent lamps are next. They will know when to turn on and turn off as we go in rooms.

Pilots and smallness

Pilots must really think pretty small of us. I mean, we look like ants to them.

Larger hats

The larger the hat, the bigger the head, the bigger the ego.

Hat invention

Just who was the person who invented hats? That idea sure caught on big.

After surgery

After surgery... just hope you live.

Popular president job

I bet the first president had no idea how popular this job would be.

Horse weight on you

When a horse is young, they carry you. When they get old, the weight is all on you now.

Adoption parents

It is great if you are adopted. You now have more than one mom and dad to blame for life's problems.

Brain aerobics

Just think how smart everyone would be if we had brain aerobics.

Leveler life

He does nothing in life. He is so straight that you can use him for a leveler.

Never more proud

I was never more proud of you. But that is because I wasn't proud of you at all to start with.

Can you make thousands on stocks?

Of course not. Not unless you own the company itself.

Golf swing for morons

The golf swing for morons is an automatic club that does all the work for you.

I had a vision of love

Oh wait, that was in my last life.

Your fault accident

Remember, every accident on the road is the other person's fault. If you say it is yours, you will be paying higher insurance rates.

Absent-minded brain

You aren't absent-minded, your brain is.

The ABC song

What does the ABC song sound like in other languages?

Accidents in bed

I have been lucky on the road. The only accident I ever had was in bed.

Human race adoption

Who out there in space would actually adopt the human race, unless they were crazy?

Fallible human race

You don't need to be accurate because the entire human race is fallible anyway.

Standing up

Don't like sitting down? Play golf. You will be standing up for hours on end.

Par 2 golf holes

They need par 2 golf holes so the rest of us can play the game.

Bad glances

In today's world, a glance today from the opposite sex may not mean they like you, it probably means they want to rob you.

Jog two miles a day

Jog two miles a day? Most people can't jog two minutes a day.

Accent neighborhoods

If you have an accent, just move to a place where they have the same accent and nobody will ever know.

Book of love

Whoever wrote the book of love must be the best lover.

Life advice book

Why is there no book on LIFE advice.

Aging horses

Aging horses are smart. When they get older they do nothing.

Air traffic

If we can't manage air traffic, how can we manage the traffic on the ground?

Animal crackers people

Why are there no people in the animal crackers? Many people are animals.

Animal noises

People complain about animal noises, but people noises can be far worse.

Order in the house

We don't need order in the court. Today, we need order in the house.

Ancient humans

Ancient humans had the idea to stand up. Be thankful for that great idea, because love wouldn't be the same if we still had a tail.

Barking people

Be thankful people don't bark when they want something, because the noise on Earth would kill us all.

Count your blessings

Counting my blessings went fast because I have none.

Zoo people

Why go to a zoo to see animals? Just go to any big city in the country. You will risk getting attacked also.

Mistletoe

Imagine if they had mistletoe at an airport? It would be even more crazy there.

Elevators are life

Elevators are just like life. They have their ups and downs.

Idols

The best idol today probably is someone from another planet.

Amazing fitness

Nobody is amazingly fit for long. Wait until they are 80 years old.

Warmer climate and crime

If heat causes more crime and the global warming continues... we know how the human race will finally end. And I thought it would be a giant asteroid that does us all in.

Annual physical

I don't need a physical each year because I'm in the same bad shape I was in last year.

Corny card sayings

Who writes the sayings in cards? They are beyond corny.

Happy anniversary cards

When people send out happy anniversary cards, how do they know the couple is still happy?

Turn back time

When you turn back the clocks, they are really just testing how people would react to going back in time.