Bad news

You need bad news once in awhile because it then makes the rare good news seem really great.

Bad day at court

What exactly is a good day at court?

Bad day at work

I had a bad day at work because I had to show up.

Baggage problem

Some people have a baggage problem. But not at the airport, just too many guys in the past.

Rain again

People who don't want it to rain ever should stay in the desert.

Last minute gifts

You can always tell the last minute Christmas gifts because they are usually cheap and something you don't want.

Confusion library

Who doesn't get confused when walking into a library? Just where do you go first?

Short happy life

A short happy life is better than a long happy life because you need far less money.

Marriage vows civil

The marriage vows should include a line that promises to keep the divorce years later civil.

Lengthy sermon

A lengthy sermon for most is anything over 10 minutes.

Can't sit still

People who can't sit still should join a marching band.

Humor and despair

You will have the despair if the humor is awful.

Humor me

Nobody has to humor me, because I tell my own jokes to me.

Autobiographical humor

I don't have any autobiographical humor because I still haven't done anything in life yet.

Self-deprecating humor

I never run out of self-deprecating humor because I just look at my life.

Boisterous humor

Boisterous humor is what you want to strive for, but only for the fact that the word sounds good.

Humor will get you more money

Humor will either get you more money or it will make a total fool of you.

Humor raises money

Humor can't raise money. Only the person telling the humor can.

Offer humor

You can only offer humor. The audience then decides if they keep it or throw it back at you.

Humor with heart

Humor only has a heart if it is funny and the person telling it is still living at the end.

Illustrate humor

If I could illustrate humor, I would be an artist instead.

Employ humor

How do you employ humor? You give humor a job and let someone tell its jokes.

Humor in songs

You have plenty of humor in songs. All the songs that nobody has ever heard of and bombed out.

Humor streak

I was on a humor streak. There was a streak of people who left the room because of my bad jokes.

Getting serious about humor

Why should I get serious about humor? It's a joke, right?

Bumbling humor

Bumbling humor is humor that you don't have to say correctly in order to get laughs.

Humor gets us through

In tough times, humor gets us through to the next day. Then you better hope for more humor.

Origins of humor

The origins of humor are probably so funny that nobody believed it and the story is now lost forever.

Inappropriate

Everything is so inappropriate today that the word appropriate is no longer in the English language.

Healing power of humor

The healing power of humor is strong, as long as you don't hurt your stomach laughing and get injured.

Strategic humor

Strategic humor is humor that if bombs, you know where the exit doors are ahead of time.

Five things you don't want to hear on a plane

You probably could do without hearing these from the captain when on a plane.

1) Fasten your seat belts... just in case.
2) Don't worry, the turbulence will end in a half hour.
3) All the drinks I am having are free for you also.
4) We are going over the Atlantic Ocean now.
5) Don't stuff the bathroom up, it can flood.

Whistle for help

This is for on land. But if you are in the water and need help, I guess you blow bubbles.

Stork instead

He was so bad that when he was born, his mother wished she had kept the stork instead.

Biting humor

Biting humor is when you get bitten if you don't laugh at the jokes.

Black Friday

It is called Black Friday because once you get knocked out, all you see is black.

Collection plate

I'm so poor, I started to pass around my own collection plate.

Human resources

Humans have a lot of resources. It is just that I have very little of them.

Animals hunting me

I was so bad at hunting, the animals wound up hunting me instead.

Long hospital forms

Hospital forms are a mile long in order to test your craziness level before they admit you.

More glasses

Some people have an extra set of glasses in case one breaks. I have an extra set because I can't see close or far.

My dream fortune

I made a fortune in a dream, then lost the money when I woke up.

Mother's advice

You don't have to ask for your mother's advice. You already know it will be the opposite of your own.

Learner's permit

Everyone should start off with a learner's permit. But not for driving; for life itself.

Sensitive people

People are always so sensitive today you would think they have a permanent rash.

Cruel jokes

A joke is only cruel if it is about you.

Boring funny

Everything boring is funny. It is so boring it is crazy funny.

Laugh out loud funny

Everything funny is laugh out loud funny. How can you laugh otherwise?

Trying to be funny

Trying to be funny? Don't worry. Just show someone your high school yearbook picture and you will get lots of laughs.

Seriously important lessons

Seriously important lessons are the lessons nobody laughs at.

Important lessons

Everything in life is an important lesson because nobody does anything right the first time.

Funny business

Every business is funny. Funny when you have to pay back loans you don't have the money for.

Lens cap dysfunction

My camera has lens cap dysfunction. The lens cap does not stay up.

Love is strange

Love is strange they say. But everyone is strange anyway, so it fits.

Funny car

And all these years I thought "funny car" meant that the car itself was funny.